Shame can show up in our lives in so many different ways. The more you understand how and when it shows up, the more power you will have to dismantle it and be healthy in your mind, emotions, and relationships.


I see precious women and teens in the counselling office each week, and much of emotional distress have roots of shame.

WHAT IS | SHE | SHAME LIKE?
Don’t you love family gatherings? I do. Sometimes these gatherings provide us memories that last a lifetime. One of these unforgettable family gathers happened when I was about 14 years old.

After a summer even BBQ some of the cousins were playing a game of hide and go seek.

The night was about to wrap up while we were still engaged this game. My aunt was trying to round everyone up to leave and as the minutes past became more emphatic that it was time to go.

She was a yellin’ and they were a hidin'.

They ran away from her and decided to hide in our laundry room upstairs. The laundry room had a door off the side of our bathroom.  In a normal situation was a great choice.

However, at the time they were running and hiding through the bathroom into the laundry room - I was also in the vicinity. In fact I was In the washroom.  I was on the toilet - going to the washroom!

If that wasn’t bad enough, my aunt marched upstairs and marched right into the bathroom standing with her hands on hips – yelling at her kids through the door.  There I was, on the toilet, in view, feeling uncomfortable and wanting to hide myself. I  looked for towels in reach to cover myself – no such luck.

So after a few minutes of this back and forth through the laundry room door, everyone walked back out through the bathroom as I sat there exposed.

This is shame put at the lowest common denominator is like this  – it is like a game of hide and go seek – where you desperately do not want to get caught unexpectedly exposed. 
   
Shame: is the deep fear of exposure. 

Shame: is the deep fear that my real self won't be good enough for someone.

This wasn’t the first game of hide and go seek . . . .

To find the first game of hide and go seek – we will have to look back at the beginning – at creation, at our first version of ourselves and our first interactions with shame. Because to know our story – we need to know theirs.

“To effectively enter into the healing of shame requires us to know the place it holds in our story as a human race, we must know the story of mankind, and our stories, and the story shame is trying to tell us.” Curt Thompson

If you were to stop and think of what you fear most – is it something you fear others knowing or seeing about you? How do you hide that something?

The first game of hide and go seek was in the garden with Adam and Eve.

Except it wasn’t really a game, it was a defense mechanism.

We know that in the beginning there was perfection and paradise and the garden in all its beauty –and Adam and Eve had full access to creation and reign over the animals.

God set them up to have great pleasure in everyday life.

He gave them but ONE perimeter.

“But you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” Gen 2:16

So – Adam and Eve’s glorious life of perfection came crashing down – the day they disobeyed God.

The results are such that we still experience today. Guilt and shame.

THE COVER UP 

Their ability to now see themselves through the lens of guilt and shame caused them to cover up, escape, and put on a false self.

They saw themselves in a different light – and became consumed with their outer condition-appearance-existence. They lost focus on inward beauty, their purpose, and became dissatisfied with their identity.

They traded their TRUE U for a lesser version of themselves.

What do you do when you SEE to your short coming, sin, inadequacy or feared inadequacies?

Do you cover and run?

Do you trade in your TRUE U for an imposter?  Do you put a mask on that makes you anxiety lessen and confidence rise? Why does that mask comfort you?

THE IMPOSTER - BECOMING SOMETHING OTHER THAN HUMAN

It was once Adam and Eve chose to become something other than what and who they were created to be – that they felt naked and ashamed.

The vulnerability they once experience in freedom, now felt like a threat.

Same for us:  shame comes through the roots of not being our true U, not living in our God given identity, and trying to become something we are not.

We try to sooth aching inner selves through this false-self – but in return we only get shame as a bi-product.

For so long, shame was not a talked about or studied subject in psychology and counselling.
Guilt was – but not shame.

Today it is become more recognized (outside a biblical view point) – and more understood as a roots of many emotional disturbances, and a major player in our formation of identity, and our mental health.

Like I mentioned there is a different between guilt and shame:

Guilt: debt has more to do with the feelings about an action or event.
1)    It has to do with breaking a rule, law, sin, mistake
2)    It is about doing or not doing – action, inaction

Shame:  Identity cover up
1)    Concerning a state of being, worth,
a.    Shame says, you are no good, you are worthless, you can never measure up


Guilt is looking               at your sin              soiled by sin
Shame is looking            at yourself              silenced by shame


Dr. Brene Brown a woman who has studied shame says:


Guilt says,
“You have done something bad you have made a mistake.”

Shame says:
“You are bad – you are a mistake.”


We all have a story – and we all tell ourselves a story about ourselves. Shame can also tell us a story about ourselves that is damaging, depressing, restrictive.

These negative narratives and self-talk create negative and toxic emotions within us. Often when we find a place of woundedness there is a core belief of shame that is attached. We don’t need to experience extreme humiliation to experience shame; it can be subtle and sneaky. It breeds feelings of “I’m not good enough,” “I must be defective,” “maybe I’m undesirable.”

We need to pay attention to what we pay attention to. This may lead us to places of our own  bondage, in order to find the place of freedom.

The trick is to find out where there is truth in the story is and where we are jaded, lied to and have the wrong perspective – because those parts of our story can injure us emotionally, spiritually and relationally.

Facing ourselves and shame – takes a great deal of intentional choice and courage.

“Opening our story can be hard but not as hard as spending our lives running from it. If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy & understanding.” Brene Brown

Where do I cover in these relationships?
1)    Me with God
2)    Me with myself
3)    Me with others

What do I fear being exposed and why?

What mask do I wear in public?

What mask do I wear with my friends?

What mask do I wear with myself?


Stay tuned for “SHE SHAME | WHERE SHE HIDES “