SHE SHAME | WHERE SHE HIDES 

“Owning our story, and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do.” Brene Brown

Have you ever seen any of those video of “CONFUSED ANIMALS” – those that are raised by a different species? Like  . . . the duck who thinks he’s a dog and plays fetch?

This inter-species adoption is fascinating as an animal takes on behaviors of its adopted parent.
And is some similar way – that can happen to us as well. We can take on a shame identity – instead of self-love, acceptance, and living out our unique personality and purpose.

DEFINITIONS OF SHAME 
Words clusters to describe shame include:  indignity, disgrace, unworthy, worthless

The toxicity of shame put into words may sound like: “I am not enough, something is wrong with me, I don’t matter, I am bad, fear of extreme humiliation, I’m a fraud - I don’t want to be exposed.”

Shame is a negative emotion and a core belief that goes underground, and is an undercurrent that drives insecurity, unworthiness and behaviors that manifest out of those feelings.

DEFINITION OF HEALTHY SHAME

Shame keeps us within healthy boundaries: 

1) Shame is an emotion which signals us that we have a basic need and that need that needs to be met – is structure. It is a key ingredient in keeping interpersonal boundaries.

2) Healthy shame gives us permission to be human – to accept limits, to understand we need help and we need God and we need each other.

1) We are not God 
2) We need each other
3) We will miss up 
4) We need help 


It can be linked with empathy – that keeps us from hurting others – and also can signal us to our need to be open and vulnerable with others. 

This healthy sense of shame is developed very young. Likewise – we can start to pick up on shame based signals – and thinking – and can internalize toxic shame in early development as well.

DEFINITION OF TOXIC SHAME

Bradshaw: Shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being. It is like internal bleeding, inner torment, a sickness of the soul. Shame based person is haunted by a sense of absence and worthlessness. To have shame as an identity is to believe that one’s being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being. Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing.

Lewis Smedes:  shame is a vague, undefined heaviness that presses on our spirit, dampens our gratitude for the goodness of life, and slackens the free flow of discolors all our other feelings, primarily about ourselves, but about almost everyone and everything else in our life as well.

Brene Brown:  “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

Patricia Husley: steals from you until you are spiritual bankrupt

Christine Caine: "shame prompts us to toss away the good gifts we are given [...] it prompts us to hide ourselves behind whatever wall of protection we can find - it pushes you down and prevents you from becoming all you can be [...] Shame makes us feel unworthy. We end up running from God instead of running to God. We run from each other instead of healing one another.”


Shame is a soul sickness. It isolates – disconnects us from:
1)   self
2)   God
3)   others

SIGNS & SYMPTOMS OF SHAME 

Toxic shame creates this sense that we are not ok as we are….our person-hood, personality, our character, our physical bodies, are exposed and not enough; thus, we have this drive to cover and alter ourselves.

A drive to create a falsehood of persona – of something we see as better or more powerful….

This is how we COVER….it’s not fig leaves, is emotional and relational hiding and coverings.

Shame dehumanizes and demands a creation of a false-self.

So in this creation of a false-self – we trade our identity as God’s precious creation for something less….believing it is something more or better.

This secrecy and hiding is the basic cause of suffering for us all.

Total self-love and acceptance is the only foundation for wellness and the ability to love others. Without godly self-love – we are shackled to the task of creating a false self.

Shame can hide in four areas of our lives: 

1)    ABILITY – what we can do is not enough

2)    BODY – how we look is not enough

3)    IDENTITY – who we are inside is not enough

4)    RELATIONSHIPS – how we share ourselves is not enough


Shame also drives us to two polarities in its dehumanization. 

 1)   Shame as super-human
 2)   Shame as sub-human


Shame is out to HI-JACK your TRUE U.


COVER UP TENDENCIES #1 
Sub human – less than human

To be sub human is to create an imposter – a camouflage, a veneer that may include features like:

SHAME MAY HIDE...

Underachieved: surrender and avoidance | paralyzed in life

• Lack of motivation 
• Withdrawal
• Fear of failure 
• Doesn’t take risks 
• Shy’s away from using gifts 
• Shy’s away from giving opinion fear of criticism 
•  Addiction 
• Self-harm
• Broken Self-image 
• Sees self as damaged, not able to repair 

COVER UP TENDENCIES #2 
Super Human – more than human 

We try to create, portray or live a “stronger true self” – to comfort out discomfort of shame, of exposure, of feelings of not enough, unworthy, less than.

And because there is a sense of fraudulence, we have to hide our authentic self, the true U.

Super human is in contrast to the sub human avoidance and underachieving. The super human cover up tendencies as they involve overachieving and overcompensation.

It portrays behavior that acts bigger than life and tries to remove perceived limitations.

SHAME MAY HIDE . . . 

 Over achievement: overexertion | aggression and overcompensation in life

• Perfectionism
• Performance
• People pleasing
• Harsh judgement of others
• Grandiose thinking of a person’s capability without acknowledging limits or true skill set 

 Toxic shame can be seen at the root of emotional disturbances and behaviors such as: 

1) Eating disorder: The pain of rejecting your true self often results in either a starving or stuffing behavior. Trying to numb the pain and resulting in punishing or comforting behaviors that also change the outer appearance.

2) Addictions: pain un-dealt with in our lives we usually end up self-medicating in some form. Food, prescription drugs, endless tv., illicit drugs, alcohol, compulsive shopping etc…. this relates back the sub human and super human conversation.

3) Self-harm: cutting,  and so on



“Shame does that. It pushes you down and prevents you from becoming all you could be.” Christine Caine.

Toxic Shame – is internalized wrong self-image  and  immobilizes our growth in  person-hood emotionally, relationally and spiritually.

We need to take a look at all areas of our lives and see where shame maybe festering, breeding, lying to us or robbing us of our TRUE U and emotional freedom.


ACCEPT IDENTITY
Super human and sub-human are not our given identity.

To be human is to accept your God given identity – to know and uncover your authentic self, and to accept limitations.

To be human is to be limited. We are not God, we are not super human nor are we sub-human. We are made in the image of God – as humans, in a body that is finite and a spirit that lives forever.

We are human.  Imperfect, but loved and accepted by the one who is perfect.


Stay tuned for HOW SHAME BEGINS