Do you have a mentor or controller?

EM-POWER 
Vs.
ME-POWER 

Recently, I’ve had an increasing amount of questions about mentorship and what it should look like.

Usually, these questions are from someone who has mustered the courage to inquire if their mentor/mentee relationship is a healthy one or not. In some of these instances the relationship is not.

I start by asking the person questions about how the relationship functions and feels - if these two descriptors show up, it waves a red flag. . .
1. Control
2. Confusion

Unhealthy relationships are sometimes under the guise of someone that calls themselves a “mentor” but in reality it is someone who craves power. The person may put on a “good Christian mask” but their own brokenness leads to an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship.

The hand extended to them has assumes a high degree of control rather than care.

So here are a few brief thoughts. . .

WHAT IS A MENTOR?
There is so much that can be said about mentorship from both biblical and secular teaching.

A related word, “meno,” in the Greek tells us that a mentor has an “enduring relationship” to the mentee. This relationship is marked with care and empowers wellness and purpose.

This relationship may include these aspects:

Mentor - take under wing vs. clipping wings
Adviser – anticipating limitations and providing wisdom vs. controlling or being overly directive
Counsellor - empowers independence and ability to make wise decisions vs. creating dependency
Teacher - brings God’s truth, guided by Holy Spirit to expand mentees faith and abilities vs. push own agenda

The relationship should enhance a person’s sense of identity, competency, and faith; not erode it. This relationship should also be safe, comforting, and affirming of one’s value.

HEALTHY MENTORSHIP
This relationship of the mentor and mentee should help that person expand their reach in life, not limit it. It should help them succeed and not shrink back.

NOT TWO BUT THREE 
One of the most important aspects to Biblical mentorship is that there are three people in that relationship: the mentor, the mentee and the Holy Spirit. The mentor should ideally be someone that is full of God’s spirit that empowers them to empower others.

This relationship flourishes when it is grounded upon the modelling of Jesus life.

Jesus' message was TRUTH 
Jesus’ motivation was LOVE
Jesus’ manner was with GRACE

His was the hand that helped people up, not pushed others down.

His was the hand that freed not bound.

His was the hand that cared not controlled.

HE-POWER gives us ME-POWER, but WE-POWER 

EM-POWER or ME-POWER
I was at a gathering a while ago. The guest speaker and I had a chat about what I was doing with my life. At that time I had a counselling office open as well as pastoring. After sharing my heart I remember the person jumping in with great authority and telling me I had no business counselling people. They said I needed more life experience before counselling others.

I was taken back. Not by their words, but by their complete ignorance.

Now I am glad that I have confidence in God’s love for me and my identity and purpose or that could have been a shattering moment.

I politely tried to explain that I had completed my education for such designation and have my registration as a counsellor. Side note: I was in my 30’s and that they had no awareness of my life experience.

The conversation ended there.

The person got up that evening gave an impassioned speech empowering women . . . . need I say more.

I don’t even think this individual would even see their words and their message as incompatible or incongruent.

ONE TIME OR ONGOING? 
Now this is a one-time run in, but others have relationships with people who maybe more subtle in their control, taking advantage of, and disempowering.

My heart goes out to you.

BASIC DEFINITION OF EMPOWER

1) Invest
2) Plant

To empower means to invest care and wisdom and to plant power in order to fulfill purpose.

Recent psychological studies have demonstrated that empowerment is not mere feel good words. It doesn’t cut it.

Empowerment is truly that enduring relationship that scripture points to.

True and effective mentorship and empowerment effects faith, freedom, fruitfulness, opportunity, resources, growth, and actualization of gifts and skills.

So flattery is out, but full hearted engagement embedded with substance is in. Sharing authentic faith and life is about mutual sharing not power over.

If we look to scripture we see these clear words of caution to us regarding relationships:


Proverbs 26:28 tells us, “flattering words cause ruin”

And

Proverbs 29:5 says, “A man who flatters his neighbour is spreading a net for his steps.”

The message expands the imagery for us:

“ […] flattery sabotages the listener.” Proverbs 26:8

And

“A flattering neighbour is up to no good;
    he’s probably planning to take advantage of you.” Proverbs 29:5


It’s a caution to us to be aware of those who would like to enter our worlds through merely feel goods, flattery that lacks authenticity and substance….it has consequences. It robs and ruins.

The mentorship relationships you see in scripture are not based on controlling the mentee but rather the care and nurturing of the other person.

There is a difference between care, responsibility, coaching, teaching, correcting and controlling. Make sure you can identify those differences.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR 


FLAG IT  . . . 


RED FLAG #1 
You see inconsistencies in their message . . . their message and their manner are incongruent. They talk empowerment but in the end you notice a disempowering pattern.

RED FLAG #2 
There is an inversion of power from EMPOWER to ME-POWER.

RED FLAG #3 
They like to talk more than listen. They would like to tell you all the answers, and are very directive in how they coach you. They know little about you but want to tell you a lot about the how/when/who/why’s of life.

RED FLAG #4 
You have started to question yourself a lot. Not in a self-reflective manner, but in a fear based or self-doubt manner. You experience chronic states of confusion.

RED FLAG #5 
Their love and acceptance of you is conditional – based on performance, or your admiration of them.

RED FLAG #6
You are isolating yourself from your family and friend to be with this person, or they request or subtly hint that you should spend majority of your time with them.

RED FLAG #7
You are becoming co-dependent on this person. You feel that you need their input for small life decisions or feel you need their permission for _____________ fill in the blank.

RED FLAG #8
They often belittle you or make fun of you in public but brush it off as fun.

RED FLAG #9 
They hold you back from using your gifts or taking opportunities even though they may flatter you about your abilities.

RED FLAG # 10
There is a manipulation of leadership, or biblical principles to gain or keep power over you.

Guess what . . .  IT IS REALLY ALL ABOUT THEM . . .


If you checked off several of these on this list you may want to reconsider this person as a mentor. If you find several of these on your list whether overt or subtle increasing in frequency and intensity – please seek some help from trusted individual.


Questions to ask yourself if you have a mentor?

What seed is this person planting in the garden of my life?

What investment are they making?

Are they a self-declared mentor? Do they say they are my mentor but I have never consented to that arrangement?

Is the investment and planting having a positive effect or somehow taking away from my confidence, identity, giftings, or health?


Take care to ensure that the hand extended to you, is one of authentic care and not one of manipulation and control.