RESOLUTIONS OR RENEWAL? 

Happy New Year to you!

What is your best New Year’s memory?  I generally spend mine with a house full of family, games, cards, laughter and Chinese food. I will admit, these days I find it harder to be fully conscious at mid-night.

For me, a New Year has often been a time of dreaming into the future. I’m a visionary and forward orientated person, so I have a chronic passion for what can be and what is to come.  Perhaps using a new year to flip a new page comes naturally to me.

Do you feel that you get a fresh start every 365 days?

Many talk about New Year’s resolutions, some make them, some break them, and some criticise the idea all together.

While I enjoy the freshness of a new calendar year, I also try to embrace a daily mindset of freshness or more accurately renewal.

To live our days and seasons with a sense of growth and renewal is so much more meaningful and effective than a New Year’s resolution, in my opinion.

While I don’t prefer a New Year’s resolution in itself, I do prefer living on purpose with a purpose.
I want to make sure that I’m living and not just alive; living and not just on autopilot.

Living with purpose takes an intentionality that requires reflection, planning, goals and support. Those are slightly different that New Year’s resolutions that are often lofty, too big, and so grandiose that it’s unlikely we will ever achieve them. Consistent smaller life choices lead to lasting change.

How many resolutions have you managed to keep?

The stats on New Year’s resolutions from the business insider are that 80% of our resolutions fail by February. That’s four weeks!

Another stat from the Huffington Post is that only 8% of people make the change they set out for in January.

Most of us abandon our resolutions and feelings of failure or defeat drive the person closer to the “thing or person or habit” they wanted to change in the first place. The odds seem to be against us in the realm of resolutions.  Amazing that for such low stats on success, that it is still seen as a worthy pursuit?

“Resolutions are a wonderful thing if we can keep them, but many resolutions go by the wayside because we have not done anything different with our mindset.” Monica Johnson


Did you know that NY resolutions are not something of modern day? It’s a tradition that is said to have been around since 153 B.C.

January is named after a mythical Roman god and his name was Janus. It is said that Janus had two faces; one that looked backward to the past, and one that looked forward to the future. As the Roman tradition went, they thought that Janus looked both backwards and forwards on December 31st.  This become a time where the Romans made promises to self and others for the New Year. In this time of reflecting, they had a strong emphasis on forgiving their enemies and grievances from the year past.
Now that’s a worthy resolution. That sort of inner reflection and inner work creates renewal!


Renewal means this . . . 

1. Making something new/fresh
2. Resuming something after an interruption
3. Repairing something damaged, wore  out, burned out
4. Improving something or making more useful
5. A process and a state of being


It’s much more comprehensive and meaningful than a grandiose resolution; it’s a way of living.

Renewal is about a mental, physical, relational, and spiritual health check.

Maybe the pop culture evolution of New Year’s resolutions took us away from the real work that creates lasting change: renewing one’s mind, making resolution to chaos in one’s heart through forgiveness and restitution.

I like Benjamin Franklin’s take on the New Year, “Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every New Year find you a better man [woman].”

To find yourself a better woman next year will require on ongoing process of renewal.

If we shifted our mindset from resolutions to a life of renewal, we would be wiser, healthier and happier.

Renewal focuses on healthy thinking, being present, being grateful, self-acceptance, compassionate living and daily spiritual growth.  The biblical perspective of renewal encourages us to renew our minds. We become more of who and what we are destined to be through renewal. Scripture also teaches us that we are a new Creation when we find our life and faith in Jesus. Inner renewal is the key to the outer change we so crave. Inner spiritual renewal leads to healthier hearts, emotions, relationships and life choices.



Sometimes to get ourselves off autopilot, or out of unhealthy patterns of behaviors we need to start with our mindset: perspectives, thought patterns, fear, anxiety, negativity etc. We often need a reminder that renewal in our lives not just a practical check list, but also spiritual process that involved God's truth and His Spirit at work in our lives.

Remember as you step into 2018 that the Lord cares for you. His mercies are new every morning. He makes all things new. Most of all, a life with Him is the ability to live a life of renewal.

Kristy


LOOKING FOR PRACTICAL TIPS – KEEP READING 

End of Year Inventory . . .

What would you increase?
What would you decrease?
What would you add?
What would you subtract?
What would you forgive?
What would you relinquish?
What would you be open to?


Make a list of experiences that attributed to you joy – why were they so pleasurable?

Make a list of experience that caused pain – what was so painful?

Make a list of success and failure – what did you learn?

Make a list of difficult things you overcame - how did you cope and manage to get through?

Make a list of the relationships that were life giving – what qualities were in those life giving people?



When it comes to our mental health it is important for us to engage in pleasurable activities and to feel productive.  I tell my clients, go home and do something “new or old” that brings you fulfillment, purpose and pleasure.  To do that, make a list of things that you value and give you purpose. Then line up some activities that match that list.


New Year practices you may embrace and get benefit from: 

- Gratitude reflections/journal
- Music/play/sing/dance/listen
- Exercise
- Walking in nature
- Coffee with a friend
- Seeking out a mentor
- Make a dream board
- Start a new study
- Join a book club
- Giving to the local food bank /soup kitchen
- Serving some seniors
- Organizing your home
- Bird watching
- Snow shoeing /Skiing
- Ice fishing
- Make a Pinterest craft
- Make a new recipe
- Writing/blogging
- Purge a closet
- Recycle an item for a new use
- Attend a paint night
- Go to a hockey game
- Watch a curling game
- Join a gym/or sports team
- Indoor walking club
- Go hear new/old band
- Volunteer somewhere new
- Visit a family member
- Rest
- Make maple syrup
- Visit a library
- Visit a museum with free Library pass
- Get support in reducing stress
- See a counsellor
- See your Pastor
- Ask how to serve your local church
- Plant a flower for your home
- Start an indoor garden
- Get a pet
- Scrapbook
- Get into genealogy
- Go for a scenic drive
- Read favorite book
- Read online articles of interest
- Relax at your favorite coffee shop

There is a lot of bait out there to lure us into the trap of self-doubt, or self-debasing. We seem to fall for it over and over again, until pain or problems point it out.

What baits you into feeling “less than,” or “lacking?”

At some point along the way, you have likely had thoughts and feels of self-doubt in one or all of the four areas I will list below.

I don’t want to be a negative nelly here, because I do believe there are wonderfully confident and capable women out there. But even those women, if openly vulnerable, would confess to working through these 4 traps of, “not enough.”

What words would you use to describe those feelings that nip at your confidence?

Not Enough: skimpy, insufficient, damaged, incomplete, second string, lacking, unassembled, weak, faulty, undone, lacking, unsure, scattered etc.

Why is it that we so easily gravitate to negatives about ourselves over positives? Or truth over lies?

I was working with a young man a couple weeks ago that was feeling very uncomfortable with people in public looking at him. He found this increased after getting new glasses. He thought they judged his new glasses looked "ugly." I inquired, did you ever consider that they may actually like your new funky glasses?! .....No

P.S. The most powerful words, are the words no one hears, they are the words you speak to yourself.

We weaponize our thoughts, with negative perceptions of what we think other people are thinking. (re-read that again)


“Negative self-perceptions repeated overtime will brand themselves into our minds and eventually become reality.” ~ Sharon Jaynes

What is your brand?

What have you branded yourself with that is etched into your inner life that holds back your outer life? Need a re-brand?

Time to get wise to the bait, the trap and the lies.

The BIG four areas we can feel “not enough” are our ability, body, identity, and relationships.

1)    ABILITY – what we can do is not enough

Self-doubt can override our true giftedness. Instead of using and growing in our gifts, skills, interests we say – “I could never do that.” I can’t. I’m only ___________.  I can’t do that job, help that person, make that money etc. There are more voices telling us we can’t, than we can, so we often settle for can’t. Time to take the “T” off of can’t.

2)    BODY – how we look is not enough

I hate the way I ___________. I wish I could change this _______ part of my body. If only I were 20 lbs lighter. Why do I have cellulite? The Kellogg’s commercial tells us that 97% of women, “have an I hate by body moment” every day. Well ladies, that is likely true, and so sad. I love how they challenge us to “proudly own it all.” Yes!

3)    IDENTITY – who we are inside is not enough

Your self-concept can be made-up of restrictive labels. Maybe we live out what someone else has labeled us through criticism, abuse, or bullying. Maybe we have allowed fear to dictate our self-image. Somehow, we can feel like we  are the “wrong kind” of person.

4)    RELATIONSHIPS – how we share ourselves is not enough

We feel like we don’t give enough as mom, friend, or wife, etc. In this area we can see all four at play:  The feeling that “I will be loved only if I am _____.”Then I change my body to be more like this, my identity to be more like that, so that I can be love by___________.

Why?

There are many reasons girls and women become prey for these four traps. A cocktail of childhood, upbringing, culture, trauma, rejection, stress, media, stereotypes, and so on.  Often our messages we absorb from parents, teachers and peers when we are young can wound us unintentionally, or intentionally leaving us with feelings of inadequacy. We can then become shy, avoidant, dismissive or overcompensate for our inner beauty and skill sets.

We can withdraw, or over engage in performance and perfectionism traps to prove that we are enough. Both are unhealthy spectrums of behavior.

Reclaiming identity, first comes by identifying. Identifying where the warp is.

Lets get real . . . 

We all have weaknesses, right?
We all have strengths, right?
We all are unique, right?

Why not identify all of those areas and be real about it - but not allow yourself to get raw about it.

Instead of allowing a true area of weakness or a perceived (not actual) area of weakness become your undoing - just being real and employ self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-love!

The areas you are actually not enough: 
1) Lean on your tribe and village - lean on love and loved ones
2) Figure out if there is growth possible | needed - learn how to build your skill or self-esteem
3) Allow God to be enough where you are not - pray, trust, seek, receive comfort and peace

In the areas you are enough - but irraitonal thoughts and feelings are taking over: 
1) Identify thought traps - become self-aware, it is the start to disempowering your inner bully
2) Challenge those thoughts with evidence - take an objective | rational look at toxic thoughts
3) Utilize trust friend, mentor, counsellor - uproot a core belief of inadequacy


Proverbs 23:7 says, they way you think about yourself, is the way you are or become.

We need to reclaim our God image and see how God sees. His love will light up our lives every time! His truth will lighten our dark spots in our minds and hallways of our hearts. Just try seeing yourself through the eyes of the one who created us - and said we were very good.

Robert MaGee says in his books, Search for Significance:

“One of the biggest steps we can take forward in constantly glorifying God and walking in peace and joy with our heavenly father is to recognize the deceit that held us captive, Satan’s lies distort our real perspective warp our thoughts and produce painful emotions. If we cannot identify those lies, then it is very likely we will continue to be defeated by them.”

Why are you good enough? 

Even when we feel weak, even when we are unsure, and even when we are a hot mess - we can be enough. 

Here's why. . . 

There are a lot of ways we could look at worth. But let me go big picture value.

Forever speaks value: the truth is we are good enough because of the one who created us said we are VERY GOOD (Genesis 1:31).

God loves us, we are made in His image/likeness, and as a believer, His Holy Spirit lives in you. God who is good occupies you! The more our hearts and attitudes align with His - the greater sense of worth we have.

The designer gave us immense value – in fact eternal value. He offers us abundant life (John 10:10) that is not just for now, but forever. So we are never tossed away, we never expire, we never are used up, we never cease to be God’s precious daughter. He created us to be loved, and He committed all of His love to us on a forever scale.

FOREVER loves speaks of the highest value.

Us + Jesus = enough.

From the start to the never ending story of our lives . . . He's willing to fill us up with what we need to be enough.

When we feel like we are not enough or have had enough, God says - daughter, I am enough for all your worries, doubts, fears, and feelings of lack.

I AM enough and I made you enough - together we are unstoppable.

Its the divine partnership of father and daughter that makes us enough. He created us and called us good, and He adds His goodness to our hearts daily if we invite Him in to each moment.

Shaking off feelings of “not enough:”

1)    Recognize – lies
2)    Replace – with truth
3)    Resist - traps
4)    Rinse - emotions
5)    Renew - mind
6)    Reclaim – confidence
7)    Refresh – dreams
8)    Risk - rejection
9)    Repeat

If you know the truth, the truth will set you free. John 8:32

Time to get wise to the bait, the trap and the lies. Let your BRAND be your TRUE U.


(Repost From May 2016)

Am I really “#blessed?” 

Have you seen it? The #blessed trend on social media?  Of course you have.

#Soblessed #blessed #blessings

Apparently, facebook and twitter have a lot of blessed people.


I’ll give you a couple examples . . .

I have frequently seen people posting selfies with their startbucks with hashtag “blessed.” (If you have done this, just take a moment and giggle ok?)

A mom of a potty training toddler, who just took a poopy in the potty – hashtag “#blessed.”

Folks with exciting news about their new boat | car | cottage  #blessed

People talking about how awesome their lives are with combine hashtags - “#humblebrag and #soblessed”

Recently, I have even observed a conversation where a few women seemed to be competing as to which one was more “#blessed,” and it could have aired as an episode on Jimmy Kimmel. The ridiculousness and hilarity was screen worthy.

Perhaps you get the picture . . .


These usages tend to cause me pause - - -it is one of those things that make me go “hummm.”


This post may be a couple years late . . . because that is how long this hashtag has been bothering me (joking |not joking). Today is the day I feel to give myself and all of us a reminder as to the broader picture of blessing.

So what does it mean to be blessed? 

It seems that most of these tweets and hashtags are linked to “the good life,” success, beauty, or material gain.

Sometimes it just seems like less of giving gratitude to God and more about self-advertising, self-centered living.

Again. . . . things that make me go “hummm.” 

Is that all there is to blessing? I mean, I’m all for gratitude, and I’m a pretty excitable person myself – but is that the only way we perceive blessing?


Let me ask you before you read further, do you “count your blessings?” If you do, what is usually on that list? What is usually on the top of that list?


In the New Testament there are over 100 references to blessing and none of them seem to be linked to material gain.


There are a couple words used for blessed or blessing in the scriptures.

1) Barak (OT, Hebrew) – blessed of God, of men, of things, of fruit of the womb
2) Esher (OT, Hebrew) – happiness
3) Makarioi (NT, Greek) – receive God’s benefits, to be fully satisfied, to receive favor regardless of circumstance, something that draws us closer to God


Let’s take a look at these verses to enlarge our perspective of blessing: 

1) “Even more blessed are those who hear God’s Word and guard it with their lives!” Luke 11:28 MSG
2) Blessed are those who’s sin and disobedience are forgiven. Romans 4:7
3) Blessed are those who face trouble and trials.  James 1:2



Jesus most popular sermon was on blessing . . .  Matthew 5:3-12 MSG

3 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God . . .

4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you . . .

5 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought. . . .

6 “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat. . .

7 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for. . .

8 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. . .

9 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family. . .

10 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom. . .

11-12 “Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do!

Savor that ^

And again ^ 


Why blessed with such a harsh list? These draw us and compel us into closer relationship with God.  This list also reveals God through us!

#blessed!


This paints for us a broader picture of blessing than we often consider or are comfortable with.

Blessings are not just externals but about a deep internal work in our hearts and character.

When you pray blessing on someone – you are not just praying for provision or protection – it is about their PERSON too!

Might I go as far to say a major BLESSING God has for us is to freely and fully become the person He has designed us to be - our TRUE U?!

Those of you who have children - do you enjoy constant give me give me rants? Not really eh? But you do take joy in giving to your children who are grateful? Even more than that I'm sure you are ecstatic to teach and instill good character to your children as they grow?

Why do we think our father only wants to bless us with "stuff." He wants to bless us more so with SUBSTANCE of character. 

Oh I do believe that God can bless us with provision and protection. I do pray God would bless us with both. I do not want to diminish his provision and protection in our lives, but I do want to highlight and expansion of blessings that we often fail to consider as blessing.


How often do you go to the beatitudes in Matthew 5 as a check list for blessing?
Sometimes things that were meant to bless can be seen as a curse.

There can be a challenge, conflict, or criticism in your life that can transform you if you invite God into that pain.  If we allow Him to teach us through trial there is transformation and blessing.  If He is not with us through challenge, conflict, and criticism they can become the things that undo us.

Is some of our “unwellness” because we have not yet considered trials and trouble as an opportunity for blessing? Have you invited God into that pain and process? 

I challenge our hearts to go beyond a style of prayer where we treat God like a genie in the bottle – with a bless me attitude that is selfish.


Let’s expand our view of blessing from mere material gain to ask ourselves these question:

1) What is God using to draw me closer to Him? (Perhaps something | circumstance I have rejected or avoided and causing greater pain?)


2) How is God working in me so that I can reveal His presence to others? (Where is there a challenge that is actually producing apparent goodness and growth rather than toxins in my life? Are there toxins because you are self-sufficiently #blessed rather than God’s presence with you and working in you #blessed?)

3) Where can I be a blessing that impacts others? (Do I hoard blessings or do I pass them on?)

Blessings can also come in the form of challenge, conflict, criticism and as we draw near to God in those times we are blessed with his presence. This is all so that through our challenge, conflict, and criticism we can reveal Jesus to those around us.

That is the biggest #blessed #soblessed #blessing there is.

Do you have a mentor or controller?

EM-POWER 
Vs.
ME-POWER 

Recently, I’ve had an increasing amount of questions about mentorship and what it should look like.

Usually, these questions are from someone who has mustered the courage to inquire if their mentor/mentee relationship is a healthy one or not. In some of these instances the relationship is not.

I start by asking the person questions about how the relationship functions and feels - if these two descriptors show up, it waves a red flag. . .
1. Control
2. Confusion

Unhealthy relationships are sometimes under the guise of someone that calls themselves a “mentor” but in reality it is someone who craves power. The person may put on a “good Christian mask” but their own brokenness leads to an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship.

The hand extended to them has assumes a high degree of control rather than care.

So here are a few brief thoughts. . .

WHAT IS A MENTOR?
There is so much that can be said about mentorship from both biblical and secular teaching.

A related word, “meno,” in the Greek tells us that a mentor has an “enduring relationship” to the mentee. This relationship is marked with care and empowers wellness and purpose.

This relationship may include these aspects:

Mentor - take under wing vs. clipping wings
Adviser – anticipating limitations and providing wisdom vs. controlling or being overly directive
Counsellor - empowers independence and ability to make wise decisions vs. creating dependency
Teacher - brings God’s truth, guided by Holy Spirit to expand mentees faith and abilities vs. push own agenda

The relationship should enhance a person’s sense of identity, competency, and faith; not erode it. This relationship should also be safe, comforting, and affirming of one’s value.

HEALTHY MENTORSHIP
This relationship of the mentor and mentee should help that person expand their reach in life, not limit it. It should help them succeed and not shrink back.

NOT TWO BUT THREE 
One of the most important aspects to Biblical mentorship is that there are three people in that relationship: the mentor, the mentee and the Holy Spirit. The mentor should ideally be someone that is full of God’s spirit that empowers them to empower others.

This relationship flourishes when it is grounded upon the modelling of Jesus life.

Jesus' message was TRUTH 
Jesus’ motivation was LOVE
Jesus’ manner was with GRACE

His was the hand that helped people up, not pushed others down.

His was the hand that freed not bound.

His was the hand that cared not controlled.

HE-POWER gives us ME-POWER, but WE-POWER 

EM-POWER or ME-POWER
I was at a gathering a while ago. The guest speaker and I had a chat about what I was doing with my life. At that time I had a counselling office open as well as pastoring. After sharing my heart I remember the person jumping in with great authority and telling me I had no business counselling people. They said I needed more life experience before counselling others.

I was taken back. Not by their words, but by their complete ignorance.

Now I am glad that I have confidence in God’s love for me and my identity and purpose or that could have been a shattering moment.

I politely tried to explain that I had completed my education for such designation and have my registration as a counsellor. Side note: I was in my 30’s and that they had no awareness of my life experience.

The conversation ended there.

The person got up that evening gave an impassioned speech empowering women . . . . need I say more.

I don’t even think this individual would even see their words and their message as incompatible or incongruent.

ONE TIME OR ONGOING? 
Now this is a one-time run in, but others have relationships with people who maybe more subtle in their control, taking advantage of, and disempowering.

My heart goes out to you.

BASIC DEFINITION OF EMPOWER

1) Invest
2) Plant

To empower means to invest care and wisdom and to plant power in order to fulfill purpose.

Recent psychological studies have demonstrated that empowerment is not mere feel good words. It doesn’t cut it.

Empowerment is truly that enduring relationship that scripture points to.

True and effective mentorship and empowerment effects faith, freedom, fruitfulness, opportunity, resources, growth, and actualization of gifts and skills.

So flattery is out, but full hearted engagement embedded with substance is in. Sharing authentic faith and life is about mutual sharing not power over.

If we look to scripture we see these clear words of caution to us regarding relationships:


Proverbs 26:28 tells us, “flattering words cause ruin”

And

Proverbs 29:5 says, “A man who flatters his neighbour is spreading a net for his steps.”

The message expands the imagery for us:

“ […] flattery sabotages the listener.” Proverbs 26:8

And

“A flattering neighbour is up to no good;
    he’s probably planning to take advantage of you.” Proverbs 29:5


It’s a caution to us to be aware of those who would like to enter our worlds through merely feel goods, flattery that lacks authenticity and substance….it has consequences. It robs and ruins.

The mentorship relationships you see in scripture are not based on controlling the mentee but rather the care and nurturing of the other person.

There is a difference between care, responsibility, coaching, teaching, correcting and controlling. Make sure you can identify those differences.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR 


FLAG IT  . . . 


RED FLAG #1 
You see inconsistencies in their message . . . their message and their manner are incongruent. They talk empowerment but in the end you notice a disempowering pattern.

RED FLAG #2 
There is an inversion of power from EMPOWER to ME-POWER.

RED FLAG #3 
They like to talk more than listen. They would like to tell you all the answers, and are very directive in how they coach you. They know little about you but want to tell you a lot about the how/when/who/why’s of life.

RED FLAG #4 
You have started to question yourself a lot. Not in a self-reflective manner, but in a fear based or self-doubt manner. You experience chronic states of confusion.

RED FLAG #5 
Their love and acceptance of you is conditional – based on performance, or your admiration of them.

RED FLAG #6
You are isolating yourself from your family and friend to be with this person, or they request or subtly hint that you should spend majority of your time with them.

RED FLAG #7
You are becoming co-dependent on this person. You feel that you need their input for small life decisions or feel you need their permission for _____________ fill in the blank.

RED FLAG #8
They often belittle you or make fun of you in public but brush it off as fun.

RED FLAG #9 
They hold you back from using your gifts or taking opportunities even though they may flatter you about your abilities.

RED FLAG # 10
There is a manipulation of leadership, or biblical principles to gain or keep power over you.

Guess what . . .  IT IS REALLY ALL ABOUT THEM . . .


If you checked off several of these on this list you may want to reconsider this person as a mentor. If you find several of these on your list whether overt or subtle increasing in frequency and intensity – please seek some help from trusted individual.


Questions to ask yourself if you have a mentor?

What seed is this person planting in the garden of my life?

What investment are they making?

Are they a self-declared mentor? Do they say they are my mentor but I have never consented to that arrangement?

Is the investment and planting having a positive effect or somehow taking away from my confidence, identity, giftings, or health?


Take care to ensure that the hand extended to you, is one of authentic care and not one of manipulation and control.

SHE SHAME | WHERE SHE HIDES 

“Owning our story, and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do.” Brene Brown

Have you ever seen any of those video of “CONFUSED ANIMALS” – those that are raised by a different species? Like  . . . the duck who thinks he’s a dog and plays fetch?

This inter-species adoption is fascinating as an animal takes on behaviors of its adopted parent.
And is some similar way – that can happen to us as well. We can take on a shame identity – instead of self-love, acceptance, and living out our unique personality and purpose.

DEFINITIONS OF SHAME 
Words clusters to describe shame include:  indignity, disgrace, unworthy, worthless

The toxicity of shame put into words may sound like: “I am not enough, something is wrong with me, I don’t matter, I am bad, fear of extreme humiliation, I’m a fraud - I don’t want to be exposed.”

Shame is a negative emotion and a core belief that goes underground, and is an undercurrent that drives insecurity, unworthiness and behaviors that manifest out of those feelings.

DEFINITION OF HEALTHY SHAME

Shame keeps us within healthy boundaries: 

1) Shame is an emotion which signals us that we have a basic need and that need that needs to be met – is structure. It is a key ingredient in keeping interpersonal boundaries.

2) Healthy shame gives us permission to be human – to accept limits, to understand we need help and we need God and we need each other.

1) We are not God 
2) We need each other
3) We will miss up 
4) We need help 


It can be linked with empathy – that keeps us from hurting others – and also can signal us to our need to be open and vulnerable with others. 

This healthy sense of shame is developed very young. Likewise – we can start to pick up on shame based signals – and thinking – and can internalize toxic shame in early development as well.

DEFINITION OF TOXIC SHAME

Bradshaw: Shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being. It is like internal bleeding, inner torment, a sickness of the soul. Shame based person is haunted by a sense of absence and worthlessness. To have shame as an identity is to believe that one’s being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being. Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing.

Lewis Smedes:  shame is a vague, undefined heaviness that presses on our spirit, dampens our gratitude for the goodness of life, and slackens the free flow of discolors all our other feelings, primarily about ourselves, but about almost everyone and everything else in our life as well.

Brene Brown:  “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

Patricia Husley: steals from you until you are spiritual bankrupt

Christine Caine: "shame prompts us to toss away the good gifts we are given [...] it prompts us to hide ourselves behind whatever wall of protection we can find - it pushes you down and prevents you from becoming all you can be [...] Shame makes us feel unworthy. We end up running from God instead of running to God. We run from each other instead of healing one another.”


Shame is a soul sickness. It isolates – disconnects us from:
1)   self
2)   God
3)   others

SIGNS & SYMPTOMS OF SHAME 

Toxic shame creates this sense that we are not ok as we are….our person-hood, personality, our character, our physical bodies, are exposed and not enough; thus, we have this drive to cover and alter ourselves.

A drive to create a falsehood of persona – of something we see as better or more powerful….

This is how we COVER….it’s not fig leaves, is emotional and relational hiding and coverings.

Shame dehumanizes and demands a creation of a false-self.

So in this creation of a false-self – we trade our identity as God’s precious creation for something less….believing it is something more or better.

This secrecy and hiding is the basic cause of suffering for us all.

Total self-love and acceptance is the only foundation for wellness and the ability to love others. Without godly self-love – we are shackled to the task of creating a false self.

Shame can hide in four areas of our lives: 

1)    ABILITY – what we can do is not enough

2)    BODY – how we look is not enough

3)    IDENTITY – who we are inside is not enough

4)    RELATIONSHIPS – how we share ourselves is not enough


Shame also drives us to two polarities in its dehumanization. 

 1)   Shame as super-human
 2)   Shame as sub-human


Shame is out to HI-JACK your TRUE U.


COVER UP TENDENCIES #1 
Sub human – less than human

To be sub human is to create an imposter – a camouflage, a veneer that may include features like:

SHAME MAY HIDE...

Underachieved: surrender and avoidance | paralyzed in life

• Lack of motivation 
• Withdrawal
• Fear of failure 
• Doesn’t take risks 
• Shy’s away from using gifts 
• Shy’s away from giving opinion fear of criticism 
•  Addiction 
• Self-harm
• Broken Self-image 
• Sees self as damaged, not able to repair 

COVER UP TENDENCIES #2 
Super Human – more than human 

We try to create, portray or live a “stronger true self” – to comfort out discomfort of shame, of exposure, of feelings of not enough, unworthy, less than.

And because there is a sense of fraudulence, we have to hide our authentic self, the true U.

Super human is in contrast to the sub human avoidance and underachieving. The super human cover up tendencies as they involve overachieving and overcompensation.

It portrays behavior that acts bigger than life and tries to remove perceived limitations.

SHAME MAY HIDE . . . 

 Over achievement: overexertion | aggression and overcompensation in life

• Perfectionism
• Performance
• People pleasing
• Harsh judgement of others
• Grandiose thinking of a person’s capability without acknowledging limits or true skill set 

 Toxic shame can be seen at the root of emotional disturbances and behaviors such as: 

1) Eating disorder: The pain of rejecting your true self often results in either a starving or stuffing behavior. Trying to numb the pain and resulting in punishing or comforting behaviors that also change the outer appearance.

2) Addictions: pain un-dealt with in our lives we usually end up self-medicating in some form. Food, prescription drugs, endless tv., illicit drugs, alcohol, compulsive shopping etc…. this relates back the sub human and super human conversation.

3) Self-harm: cutting,  and so on



“Shame does that. It pushes you down and prevents you from becoming all you could be.” Christine Caine.

Toxic Shame – is internalized wrong self-image  and  immobilizes our growth in  person-hood emotionally, relationally and spiritually.

We need to take a look at all areas of our lives and see where shame maybe festering, breeding, lying to us or robbing us of our TRUE U and emotional freedom.


ACCEPT IDENTITY
Super human and sub-human are not our given identity.

To be human is to accept your God given identity – to know and uncover your authentic self, and to accept limitations.

To be human is to be limited. We are not God, we are not super human nor are we sub-human. We are made in the image of God – as humans, in a body that is finite and a spirit that lives forever.

We are human.  Imperfect, but loved and accepted by the one who is perfect.


Stay tuned for HOW SHAME BEGINS

SHE SHAME | WHY SHE HIDES 

We all have something in common.

We all share a common suffering that we are often unaware of.


We feel its affects, but can’t identify the source.

Shame.

Often not well understood, but certainly felt. It’s the urge to hide our true selves.