SHOULD I CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?

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Should I care what others think?
Anyone that tells you that they don’t care what others think may not be truthful with themselves. We were created to be in community, and we were socialized to desire belonging. So of course we analyze where we stand with others. Our deepest desire is to connect with other people. We want to associate with others who care and people who interest us. We want to be wanted. Belonging is a real term to describe the innate human drive to belong to a group. Studies have even shown that many forms of emotional illness in our society could be traced to the failure to gratify the basic human need for - belonging.

So the question is, should I care what others think or think of me? 

I think the answer is yes and no.
We see a ton of facebook memes each day, but not all of them are wise life motto’s.

What about Dr. Seuss’s, 

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Spoiler alert for those wanting to live that one out – this one doesn’t turn out so well.  If you say everything you feel out loud, and think that others won’t mind . . . and if they do mind means they are dispensable?

Or what about . . .

Coco Chanel’s,

“I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”

Though it is catchy, it’s a bit passive aggressive. When I read this I hear it being said with a whole lot of attitude – and maybe even girls high fiving the one who said it. Living out this statement might lead to a wall keeping your true feelings in, while keeping others out. It is a self-preservation impulse. That same wall is a barrier to belonging.

There seems to be a tension between considering what someone thinks and not allowing it to hinder who we are or paralyze our joie de vivre.

“I don’t care . . . ”

Sometimes the people that adopt this type of “not caring,” are the same people that use this as a license to gossip about others, engage in competition, and use their freedom to walk all over others.
Just maybe, not caring, is not the answer.

Perhaps, it is not about “not caring” and more about but worrying less.

I think we can reframe this conversation – so we can put care where it belongs, and worry in its place.

Worrying about what others think is a tight rope walk and it is easy to fall off. Worry happens when you feel like you are losing control. (It would be helpful to notice when you feel this way and take note of personal triggers). But there are so many variables as to how people form opinions. People often form opinions through a self-centered lens.  That means people’s opinions are often more about themselves than you. They are also formed through their past experiences. Other than doing your best to be honest and respectful in your conduct, you can’t control how people receive you, perceive you or understand you.

“There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” ― Aristotle

The worry around rejection out of a desire to belong can get us stuck. We all want to avoid getting stuck in a rut by playing games with our emotions. We can do this by mind-reading (assuming what someone is thinking), rehearsing negative scenarios, replaying negative conversations, or allowing someone else's expressed opinion infringe on our person-hood and freedom to be our true self.
In order to get off the tight rope – a balanced approach might be:

I don’t worry about: replay, rehearse, and get wrapped up in mis-informed opinions – but I care about my wellness and the welfare of others.

We need to untangle ourselves from other people’s negative opinions expressed or perceived so we can get on with caring for others in our lives.

Proverbs 29:25 says, The fear of human opinion disables;
    trusting in God protects you from that.

There is an element of untangling from others opinion, but after loosing yourself, cling to God’s truth about you. Trusting him for your well-being and peace is a choice you would never regret.We can replace worry with engaging in what God thinks of us. It is there we find FREEDOM and CONFIDENCE. This is a daily gig. Like a muscle we make stronger with exercise.

We aren’t off the hook of having to care in life. We should care if we create chaos, or injure someone. They may not know the motive, but they have come to a conclusion based on action. That is not the time to employ – the “I don’t care what you think.” It is a time to make things right. God also tells us to please our neighbour, to be careful of our own conduct before other people, and to speak to please God not man. We are responsible for our own character and conduct - that means caring for others….just not worrying about mis-guided opinions.

So I say – do care, don’t worry.

Care about yourself enough not to practice other's negative thoughts about you. In fearing they will steal something from you – they already have.

Care enough to not accept wrong labels.

Care about yourself enough to end foolish self-talk.

Care enough about yourself to embrace God’s good will towards you.

Care about others enough to not put up a wall of “I don’t care!”

This is a lifelong process of transformation. 
Care more, worry less.



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