There seemed to be two sides to this girl. The side only her cronies knew - the one who laughed and smiled - and the one everyone else had to experience. The side that took pride in taunting, lying and manipulating.” ~ Claire, high school mean girl survivor

We’ve all met one. Maybe you have been one?

Whether you are a pre-teen surviving high school or woman in the work place – you have probably had an “HOW DARE SHE” moment. 

A mean girl is a frenemy on steroids, employing advanced combat techniques that I like to call weapons of mass manipulation. 

If you missed out on the Regina George rendition of a mean girl, here is a definition for you. A mean girl is a person who uses passive-aggressive or outright aggressive tactics to shame, humiliate, ostracize, or hurt other girls/women, often with the intention of making herself look better by comparison.  Mean girls are, in short, bullies who target other women.

WEAPONRY

Often times if a mean girl is going to “get ya,” it will be with the subtle sneak attack that you only know happened after the fact.   

Mean girls like to gain a sense of power and do not like threats to their sense of superiority. They see others as threats of competition, achievement, or favoritism etc.  They want to control attention and affirmation in their world. When they detect a threat to their own security and or sense of importance, mean girls will then start to employ their self-preservation security system.  

Mean girls self-preservation security ops include a social currency of competition that is expressed in passive aggressive behavior, brash tone, as well as coded body language and facial expressions that are all meant to devalue the social status of their target.  Sometimes it’s not what is said; it’s how it is said or what is not said that leaves a lingering effect in the minds of others. 

The real weapon being described here is the use of friendship for self-preservation and power. Mean girls use the triangulation of the relationship between you and them and you and others as a weapon. This form of female bullying is also called, relational aggression.

NICE GIRL GONE ROGUE

There have been studies on relational aggression for several years as bullying issues have come to the forefront in our society. No longer is bullying a picture of two little boys scrapping on the schoolyard, or someone taking someone’s lunch money. For girls, it is often a dynamic occurrence where girl on girl aggression happens by covert methods (relational weapons of mass manipulation). All the while they strive to retain their socialized identity - as the "pleaser, nice, good girl." The term relational aggression (RA) was created by Nicki Crick from the University of Minnesota. RA is defined in Dr. Cheryl Dellasega and Dr. Charisse Nixon’s book called “Girl Wars,” as relationships used to harm others. RA is usually used in subtleties of communication with girls, unlike boys who will yell, hit, fight and demonstrate outward aggression.  This is a norm for boys from a young age, whereas girls are socialized to be “nice,” at all costs.

In her book, Odd Girl Out, Rachel Simmons surveys various groups of 9^th graders and asks what the difference is between the ways guys and girls show aggression.  Here are the grade 9 girl’s responses according to Rachel Simmons: “[…] girls are manipulative, there is an aspect of evil in girls that there isn’t in boys, girls target you where they know you are the weakest, girls do a lot behind your back, girls plan and premeditate, I feel a lot safer with guys.”  The girls went on to describe other girls as being sneaky and using intimate information in friendships to overpower others. They also used other words like unforgiving, disloyal, and often taking revenge.  Many girls also report being fearful of labels other than nice – such as “bitch,” “catty,” or “manipulative.”

Wow, tough list eh ladies? 

FRIENDSHIP WEAPONRY

Female friendships can be intense. Part of this intensity is also due to the intimacy girl’s share in friendships. Girls love girl talk. They love sharing deep aspects of thoughts, feelings, attractions and dreams with one another. When a mean girl violates this sacred trust found in friendship, betrayal leaves a stinger. 

Now that it is clear that girls use friendship as a weapon, the question is, why? Does our past socialization as little girls contribute to this current behavioral phenomena?  Does the, “be nice at all costs” message give girls a sense of restriction in expressing true feelings?  Little girls are often socialized to be pleasers, nurturers, and share deep aspects of themselves with one another.  This is wonderful, if accompanied by teaching other crucial social skills.  

It seems there has been a deficit in the balance of teaching young girls conflict resolution, how to be assertive, and how to do so without terminating a friendship.  This lack of balance swings wide a door of opportunity for nice girls to become mean girls, or mean girls to operate under the guise of a nice girl. The drive to retain a nice girl front can drive true feelings underground and lead to unhealthy subversive methods of communication. Instead of communicating disagreement, new ideas, dissatisfaction, hurt, or confusion in a relationship - they may choose female relational aggression to express their feelings of frustration or powerlessness. This powerlessness can become a series of volcanic eruptions in unhealthy maneuverings. 

ANGER AND GOOD GIRL IMAGE

Many girls wield their anger underneath a good-girl image. Again in, Odd Girl Out Rachel says, “Some alternative aggressions are invisible to adult eyes. To elude social disapproval, girls retreat beneath a surface of sweetness to hurt each other in secret. They pass covert looks and notes, manipulate quietly over time, corner one another in hallways, turn their backs, whisper, and smile.” Unfortunately girls and women know how to serve their revenge cold. For RA to occur amongst girls there are often three groups of people involved: 1) the aggressor 2) the victim and 3) the girls in the middle or bystanders.

ALL OR NOTHING

Because of the nature of female socialization, relationships can often be all or nothing. At an early age, girls are given subtle cues that the friendships of nice girls are perfect. So, if there is a situation that is less than perfect, with no communication tools in hand, the friendship may end suddenly.  This sets a foundation for an all or nothing response when conflict arises.  For girls, conflict means loss. Even a little bump could be a relational deal breaker. So, they carry on as a pleaser, or a mean girl with a good girl mask.

Simmons states, “In a normal conflict, two people use language, voice, or fists to settle their dispute. The relationship between them is secondary to the issue being worked out. But when anger cannot be voiced, and when the skills to handle a conflict are absent, the specific matter cannot be addressed. If neither girl wants to be “not nice,” the relationship itself may become the problem.”  So again, we see that the weaponry used becomes the friendship itself. 

WHAT LIES BENEATH

Motives for relational aggression can be as simple as jealousy, and complex as feelings of powerlessness, those bullied becoming bullies, past abuse, or unhealed wounds and harbored unforgiveness. Three big motivators for RA can be feelings of inadequacy, the performance trap, and approval addict. Though each of these could have their own post, I’ll touch briefly on them. 

 

FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY

Inadequacy is defined as a condition of deficiency, lack, and deficit. In counseling terms, it is like the imposter syndrome, where people face chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence. This can create a short term self-image crisis and feelings of discomfort. If someone pushes the inadequacy button – boom, the mean girl self-preservation system activates and she engages in relationally aggressive behaviors.

PERFORMANCE TRAP

Girls/women tend to have a strong desire to please. Without proper focus and balance this too can become a trap. The drive to please can also turn into a drive to perform. If a woman is getting her identity from the unstable indicator of performance alone - there is a rollercoaster of insecurity and feelings of inadequacy to follow. 

We have a strong need to feel significant. For some women that means to be significant, they must be the most significant woman in the room, team or circle of friends.  Celebrating other women’s significance or success presses the inadequacy button because of the age-old tendency to compare and compete. Not feeling like the “most” significant girl/woman on the team or friend circle may activate a mean girl’s weapons of mass manipulation.  

APPROVAL  ADDICT

Someone ingrained with the need to please, may also look for approval indicators. Though we all need positive affirmation, seeking approval on the regular, from all who would admire – is a detrimental behavior. The mean girl who is not getting her quota of approval, or who feels like someone else is getting more approval will engage in relational aggression behaviour to try to sooth and quiet those raging seas of insecurity. 

GOOD NEWS - BAD NEWS

Exploring reasons for the mean girl phenomena is a critical conversation for us gals. The good news is the more we understand ourselves and others, the more we can overcome these hidden hurtful feelings that cause damaging situations.

The bad news is, mean girls do not graduate high school and magically become mature, whole and well-adjusted adults. Mean girl techniques often get all the more refined in adulthood.

It is time to unlearn poor communication, give up competition, and learn how to preserve friendships instead of making them weapons. It’s a good moment to reflect and allow the mirror to reveal what lies beneath. Let’s strive to ensure feelings of powerlessness do not turn in to weapons of mass manipulation. Let’s save an unsuspecting girl/woman from our own suffering at the expense of another’s well-being.   

Don’t let your nice girl go rogue.