TRUE U: April 2016

Stay in your lane.
drive in the lane of your destiny - avoid emotional promiscuity

So, we have a problem. The message that everyone needs to be “a somebody.” It’s a problem. Like if you don't have a stage or desired social status you should be striving for those things. It’s a wrong angle on personal purpose and drive. Everyone has value, worth and purpose for their life – yes of course! However, authentically embracing self-worth can be exchanged for a counterfeit of celeb. It can be subtle. We can get caught up in the life of a friend, others self-advertisements on facebook, or someone at work who is getting the promotion or new house. Mis-placed desire sneaks in and we can begin to want their life or gifts instead of our own. Sadly, wrong pursuits lead to wrong destinations. We waste time and emotional energy while missing out on the richness of our own journey.

Your lane is worth driving in - yes it will have pot holes, stop lights, yield to on-coming traffic, and slow speed limits - but it will have green lights and good scenery too.

The pressure we are surrounded by to “be a somebody,” can cause an emotional promiscuity. What did you just say? Yep...the p word. I think it’s a fair description. Promiscuity is basically a wandering heart and unfaithfulness to the initial design or plan. When we wander temptation sets in to think someone else has it better, or has a talent we wish we had. But this temptation can lead to leaving our lane to drive in someone else’s.

It's the attitude towards living our own unique narrative that often determines whether we pursue the deep end of God's best for our own lives or the shallow end living in someone's else's.

Often unfulfilled longings or dissatisfaction with where we are at creates a space where we become vulnerable to a wandering heart that looks at other people’s lives in a covetous way. We want what they have. Or we want their highlight reel. (Yes, facebook usage is proven to heighten jealousy and depression). We want to live what they are living or gain the accolades we think they might receive.

Emotional promiscuity leads us to not being faithful to ourselves and God’s plan for our lives. God in his wisdom laid it out plain in the commandments not to covet your neighbor. We were given guard rails for driving in our lane. Why? He knows what hurts us, and hurts others.

Here is another way to put it:

“When admiring other people's gardens, don't forget to tend to your own flowers.”
― Sanober Khan

Last year Jeff and I drove to Florida for a family vacation. Jeff is such a great navigator and long-haul driver. However, I’d take the wheel when he needed a break to rest. It was then that I felt this stay in your lane post coming on. (Ya, took a year to get to writing it!) But when you are driving on fast highways in “big country” with rolling hills and lots of transports, you want to stay in your lane! I saw so many distracted drivers, lane hogs, and those that always want to be at the front of the pack –and in doing so would dangerously pass others traveling along.

I see the duelling dragons of competition and comparison taking people out of their lane – away from their destiny because they think someone else is getting ‘there’ faster, someone else's lane looks better. The problem is, eventually you get to a destination you weren’t mean to arrive at. Driving in someone else’s lane takes you on a detour and risks slamming them into the guard rails. This type of pursuit effects you and those around you. There isn’t a winning scenario. Results: side swipes and detours.

In life, only you can walk your path or drive in your own lane. One I believe God designs and directs. Its not always easy. But He promises us to lead and direct, so we should tune in. Learning how God leads and directs our own lives is much more of an adventure than driving in a lane never designed for you.

What is Joan of Arc decided she was to be a teacher because her friend was - would the french gain independence?

What if Mother Teresa decided to be a seamstress because that's what the guys really liked - instead of becoming a missionary to helping and feeding the poor?

Those are extra-ordinary examples: but what if you leave your lane empty? Who looses out? You and the sweet people along the way that need your unique way of shining in this world.

“Your life is a movie. You are the main character. You say your scripts and act to your lines. Of course you do your lines in each scene. There is a hidden camera and a director who you can ask for help anytime up above.” ― Diana Rose Morcilla

It is better to have a community perspective on our individual gifts. After all, gifts are meant to give right? They are for use for others. Now, let me clarify: I’m not to saying some of our paths or interests don’t look similar. Of course some of us share passions and similar purpose, jobs, callings. We share similarities as living breathing beings. We share more similarity wanting to live for God and share his love with others. But unhealthy things take root when we take our eyes off our lane and deliberately merge into someone else’s.

Questions to ask your heart:
Do I have a sense of self-worth rooting in God's love?
Do I acknowledge the skills and gifts in my own life?
Do I celebrate others?
Do I spend time evaluating other people's lives with a sense of lack in my own?
Do I compare and compete in my heart a lot?
Have I cut into someone else's lane and am not driving in my own?

Work hard. Serve others. Trust God for your daily life. Celebrate others.

Don’t be a carbon copy – be uniquely you.

Don't leave your lane empty.
Stay in your lane.

Join us in Cobden for a exciting SUMMER SOCIAL. All girls-women welcome.

Should I care what others think?

Anyone that tells you that they don’t care what others think may not be truthful with themselves. We were created to be in community, and we were socialized to desire belonging. So of course we analyze where we stand with others. Our deepest desire is to connect with other people. We want to associate with others who care and people who interest us. We want to be wanted. Belonging is a real term to describe the innate human drive to belong to a group. Studies have even shown that many forms of emotional illness in our society could be traced to the failure to gratify the basic human need for - belonging.

So the question is, should I care what others think or think of me?

I think the answer is yes and no.

We see a ton of facebook memes each day, but not all of them are wise life motto’s.

What about Dr. Seuss’s,

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Spoiler alert for those wanting to live that one out – this one doesn’t turn out so well. If you say everything you feel out loud, and think that others won’t mind . . . and if they do mind means they are dispensable?

Or what about . . .

Coco Chanel’s,

“I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”

Though it is catchy, it’s a bit passive aggressive. When I read this I hear it being said with a whole lot of attitude – and maybe even girls high fiving the one who said it. Living out this statement might lead to a wall keeping your true feelings in, while keeping others out. It is a self-preservation impulse. That same wall is a barrier to belonging.

There seems to be a tension between considering what someone thinks and not allowing it to hinder who we are or paralyze our joie de vivre.

“I don’t care . . . ”

Sometimes the people that adopt this type of “not caring,” are the same people that use this as a license to gossip about others, engage in competition, and use their freedom to walk all over others.

Just maybe, not caring, is not the answer.

Perhaps, it is not about “not caring” and more about but worrying less.

I think we can reframe this conversation – so we can put care where it belongs, and worry in its place.

Worrying about what others think is a tight rope walk and it is easy to fall off. Worry happens when you feel like you are losing control. (It would be helpful to notice when you feel this way and take note of personal triggers). But there are so many variables as to how people form opinions. People often form opinions through a self-centered lens. That means people’s opinions are often more about themselves than you. They are also formed through their past experiences. Other than doing your best to be honest and respectful in your conduct, you can’t control how people receive you, perceive you or understand you.

“There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” ― Aristotle

The worry around rejection out of a desire to belong can get us stuck. We all want to avoid getting stuck in a rut by playing games with our emotions. We can do this by mind-reading (assuming what someone is thinking), rehearsing negative scenarios, replaying negative conversations, or allowing someone else's expressed opinion infringe on our person-hood and freedom to be our true self.

In order to get off the tight rope – a balanced approach might be:

I don’t worry about: replay, rehearse, and get wrapped up in mis-informed opinions – but I care about my wellness and the welfare of others.

We need to untangle ourselves from other people’s negative opinions expressed or perceived so we can get on with caring for others in our lives.

Proverbs 29:25 says, The fear of human opinion disables;
trusting in God protects you from that.

There is an element of untangling from others opinion, but after loosing yourself, cling to God’s truth about you. Trusting him for your well-being and peace is a choice you would never regret.We can replace worry with engaging in what God thinks of us. It is there we find FREEDOM and CONFIDENCE. This is a daily gig. Like a muscle we make stronger with exercise.

We aren’t off the hook of having to care in life. We should care if we create chaos, or injure someone. They may not know the motive, but they have come to a conclusion based on action. That is not the time to employ – the “I don’t care what you think.” It is a time to make things right. God also tells us to please our neighbour, to be careful of our own conduct before other people, and to speak to please God not man. We are responsible for our own character and conduct - that means caring for others….just not worrying about mis-guided opinions.

So I say – do care, don’t worry.

Care about yourself enough not to practice other's negative thoughts about you. In fearing they will steal something from you – they already have.

Care enough to not accept wrong labels.

Care about yourself enough to end foolish self-talk.

Care enough about yourself to embrace God’s good will towards you.

Care about others enough to not put up a wall of “I don’t care!”

This is a lifelong process of transformation.

Care more, worry less.

“Abundance is not something we acquire.

It is something we tune into.” – Wayne Dyer

A reminder to all of us . . . a longer post, but I hope you find encouraging reminders.

I think we’ve all been there. Challenging days can turn into challenging seasons in life.

Have you ever slumped in a chair thinking, there must be more. We are so prone to feelings of lack. For you, words haven’t directly expressed this feeling of lack – but you’ve noticed that you’ve become snappy with your loved ones. Maybe you lack the energy or the desire to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe it’s just a nagging unsettled feeling you can’t put your finger on? Maybe you desire more out of life but that thought exhausts you at the same time. Life wears and tears sometimes. There are events, people, material pursuits and longings that can deplete the vitality of life. Sadly, we often end up surrendering to this sense of dissatisfaction, but we don’t need to wave a white flag of surrender.

What Robs Us?

What robs us of a sense of abundance? Sometimes it’s our very own definition of abundance that restricts us. Rick Warren writes, “It is a fatal mistake to assume that God’s goal for your life is material prosperity or popular success, as the world defines it. The abundant life has nothing to do with material abundance, and faithfulness to God does not guarantee success in a career. Never focus on temporary crowns.” Distorted views of living a full life leads to an unfulfilling chase.

My husband is always full of wisdom - I love hearing his take on things. He says, "Abundance in material terms - means a lot: more than enough. But life is not in the material category. In terms of life, abundance is the experience and ability to overcome challenges, hardships - especially with God's help and leading." - Jeff Dahms

Your Journey – My Journey – Our Journey

I don’t know where your journey has taken you. Parts of my personal path have not been what I would have initially dreamed about as a girl and teen. There are times where I think, it wasn’t supposed to be this way – and yet I know and believe this path has lead me right to where I am supposed to be. There have been lots of challenges and disappointments (and amazing things too, but that’s another post). I’ve had to learn and fight for abundant life through issues like: weight gain & loss, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, job loss, character defamation, betrayal, business, unfulfilled longings, financial stress and so on. These are things that I have chosen not to allow to overcome me – instead I have had to choose to overcome them. I am a passion driven person – and so I do not want to live with any sense of lack.

No White Flags

Your list may have something similar or different, but we all have to battle to understand and live truly abundant life. No matter what your story – I think we are all in the same boat seeking abundance and fighting the lie of lack.

We have been conditioned to understand abundance in terms of western consumer culture. I’m pretty sure we all know by now lasting fulfillment hasn’t been found at the bottom of an ice-cream container, the high of a shopping spree, or after falling into a Netflix show hole. It just doesn’t. Even those who understand abundance from a spiritual point of view can easily get caught back into the trap of Hollywood happiness – which leaves you empty instead of full. In the race of life, our wrong pursuits come from a wrong start line. We can become hoarders of the useless things in life.

There is a saying, strength doesn’t come from the things you can do – it comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn’t. Let’s re-write that for abundant life: abundance doesn’t come from acquiring more, it comes from enjoying what is truly meaningful and lasting.

Stay With Me

In 2016, the top new year’s resolution was to live life to the fullest! Yes, I agree. But to attain that goal, we have to get to the right start line - the path with the right promise, principles and practice.

Last year a group of positive psychology practitioners gathered together with a 30 million dollar budget to analyze the science of living a full life. They highlighted a few obvious things: 1) money doesn’t make people happy 2) more friends or better jobs did not make people happy, and 3) dwelling on negative thoughts and events made people unhappy. However, the summary of their findings I found amusing. It was amusing because they spent a generous amount of time and money discovering what God has already told us about a life of fulfillment.

Martin Seligman described three ways that people try to live happy. The first was a pleasure driven life. The pleasure drive model for living was full of self-driven, instant gratifications with superficial facades that left people dissatisfied. The last two ways of living were more promising. He calls them, “good life,” and the “meaningful life.” The good life is one where a person discovers their signature strengths such as, perseverance, love of learning, leadership, team work, creativity, perspective, bravery, kindness, gratitude, hospitality, spirituality etc. They found when people discovered a sense of gifting and purpose their levels of fulfillment increased exponentially. There was another level of fulfillment they found that if people used their gifts to help others, this led to a deeply meaningful life even more fulfilling than just understanding their gift.

In the end, millions were spent to affirm the goodness of God’s promises and order for our lives. He has created us with unique gifts and qualities to use for others. In that altruistic (servanthood) approach, we find a sense of richness in life. Ed Stetzer says, “Abundant life is not about what we have. It’s not about what we get. It’s not about what we claim.” It’s about claiming God’s divine and unchanging promises for our lives.

Comparison

Positive Psychology Study of Happiness	Biblical Instruction
Use your signature strengths for others:	Use what gifts you have to serve others (1 Pet. 4:10)
Negative thinking can bring a self-fulfilling prophecy	You are what you think (Prov. 23:7)
Positive thinking produces health	A joyful heart is good medicine, but depression drain’s one’s strength. Prov. 17:22
We can teach ourselves to see the glass half-full	A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash. For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast. Prov. 15:14,15
If you just simply remove negatives, all you get is an empty person	God fills you with hope, joy and peace as you trust Him. Rom. 15:13
Thoughts create feelings that lead to actions	For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, (Mark 7:21)
Protect your heart against external and internal toxins	Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. (Prov. 4:23)
Look within	Look to God: the supply of abundance comes from God (2 Cor. 9:8)

The thing is - our God truly loves us. He talks to us about abundance from His love letters. He wants us to view abundance from his eyes and recognize the many things that try to steal it from us. Jesus tells us in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

Let’s look at a deeper meaning of these two words from their original context:

Life: living with sustenance

Abundance: continuous advantage

This Is Cool

I think this is cool – if we live with God as our source of nourishment to the soul – He gives us life with continuous advantage in the face of situations or thoughts that want to destroy our vitality.

The proper starting line for living with abundance is to grasp God’s promise, adopt it as a life principle and live out in practice. We can live a life with sustenance – nourishment from a relationship with God. That includes seeing challenge, suffering, and longing, from his creative and loving perspective. When life looks like it is a famine, the solution is to feast on God’s truth. It’s the way He created us to overcome and no to be overcome.

As we get our sustenance from that relationship – there is a bi-product that exists even in the face of life railing on us. That bi-product is abundance. It just doesn’t make sense from a human perspective, I know. But that’s why we embrace God’s perspective that opens up divine help for us.

He wants to give us a continuous advantage over those feelings of lack, suffering, illness, life stressors, work-place stress, new mom fatigue, family conflict, strained marriage, unfulfilled dreams, loneliness, depression, etc.

Our relationship with God is to be the life-line, the fertile ground that gives sustenance to have advantage in all areas of our living.

Promise Principle Practice

Promise: He wants to give us abundance life (John 10:10, Matt. 6:33, 2 Cor. 5:17, Ps. 16:11)

Principle: Abundant life happens while staying connected to the one who gives us inner peace, joy, hope and freedom. It is claiming and living out God’s intended reality for our lives in the midst of the pain and struggle of life.

Practice: There is nothing that can replace communicating with God. Abundance comes from knowing his promise and principles and is activated through a heart to heart relationship with God. Getting our sustenance from a living breathing connection to God gives us advantage over the things that try to steal joy, peace, and hope – leaving us disillusioned, discouraged, and distressed.

Abundant Life Practices:

Simplify – whatever that means for you. Anything from un-needed over-spending to overdoses of social media or T.V.
Engage the world around you – nature, (I seriously recommend nature!) people, neighbours, family, and friends.
Help someone else with your gifts – the sense of fullness of life is real!
Take care of you – rest and health care is spiritual!
Incorporate healthy activities you enjoy and maybe once gave up. New things are good too.
Find a way to express yourself – a creative outlet.
Find a friend to be transparent with and talk about the meaningful things in life.
Take inventory of how many thoughts during the day are life giving, and those that steal joy.
Identify anything or anyone that controls you – and sucks life out of you.
Revisit what abundant life looks like – and doesn’t look like.
Replace a Hollywood-happiness approach with an authentic relational approach.
Refresh your connection with God with heart to heart conversation with Him.
Take every promise God makes you and truly absorb it, journal them, pray them, remind yourself of them daily.
Take all thoughts that are junk mail directly to the garbage can – then leave them there.
Re-train your thinking about challenge and suffering, grow and learn through it, while experiencing God’s comfort that He amazingly gives us by His Spirit.