that day in January I decided there was so much to live for, why was I wanting to escape? God blessed me with so much and gave me a beautiful life, and he revealed to me that there is so much ahead of me. I still have bad days, when I cry in the shower and feel bad about eating dessert, or I think about people who treated me like I was expendable. But I am so much stronger than my mental illness or any situation I face in life. I have to thank a lot of people for it. Obviously God, my family, friends, and any medical staff involved, but I also want to thank the people who treated my poorly, boyfriends or girls that I associated with. They made me realize I deserve so much better. I cannot be more proud to say I was my own hero, took responsibility and saved myself.

So I am writing this blog to a girl I really wish I could have embraced, someone who could have been a  friend, someone who instead I rejected . A girl who everyone else could see as kind, smart and funny. A girl who was always good enough in her heavenly father's eyes, but just didn't know it. That girl is me. 

I am 35 years old now, a woman, a wife, a mother. And I still struggle with my self worth. Sounds ridiculous, right? Do I have to be the prettiest, the thinnest, the smartest in order in like me? Most days, even as I committed Christian, when I choose not to  turn to God, the answer is yes. I was the classic ugly ducking story. Thick glasses, chubby, but not self conscious in the least. I didn't think about how I looked too much. Why wouldn't I like myself? That didn't even occur to me when I was young.

I grew up in a Christian home, accepting Jesus at the tender age of 4. I had lots of friends, a great life, a happy family, an older sister who was my best friend in the world. But this world is not a kind place. I soon started receiving messages from the people around me that I just didn't measure up. School mates made fun of my size, my coke bottle glasses. I still remember some of the hurtful nicknames...  Insults that may not mean much to whomever hurls them but that stay with the recipient for a lifetime. My world began to unravel. My parents split up at when I was 14.

Now a days, divorce is so common, but when my parents split, I was the first one I knew to have that happen. I felt humiliated when my mom shared our personal life, rejected by my father...felt that somehow if I were prettier, thinner, better at sports...just better he wouldn't have left. I would show them all. I was determined to lose weight, I felt somehow that would finally make me  worthy of my father's love. I had to earn his approval. I was successful...surprise!!! I was good at something!! I soon became addicted to the high of the scale going down,  the  compliments, the attention. "I can't believe how good you look!" I loved hearing those words. I loved that feeling of control. I felt powerful for the first time in my life.

It became my focus. Consumed my thoughts, my actions. I was hooked. 

So if losing some weight is good, naturally more must be better! But the more I lost, the more difficult it became. I felt the only way I could keep going is to only eat enough that I could fall asleep at night, sometimes having to wake to have a couple of bites.

Through the day, I  lived off of coffee and cigarettes...that worked for awhile but sometimes I would just get too hungry and have to take a bite. But no worries! I soon learned there was no need to keep that down. A finger down my throat easily did the trick. And soon I was deeply sunk into a shame spiral, a cycle of starving and purging. And even though I never would have asked for help, my family had too much individual pain to even notice how much I was screaming silently. The price was becoming too high. I used anything and everything I could from that point on to numb the pain...to just avoid feeling all together. From the age of about 16 on, I felt life was such a disappointment and I chose to no longer trust in God's plan for my life.

I grew up in the church and knew how to play the game of showing up Sundays and living however I wanted from Monday to Saturday. I used drinking, drugs and sex to fill that void that I know now only God can fill. 

For a long while I enjoyed the 'pleasures' of the world and guiltily tried to shove the Holy Spirit's voice from my head. And guess what? It worked. Soon I could no longer hear or feel that prodding. And I thought that's what I wanted....but it soon lost its appeal. My faithful sister always said to me, "That may work for now, but what are you going to do in a crisis? " And she was right. I always felt empty...depressed...alone. I always knew I would come back to the Lord and should have known better than to mess around with the reverence and holiness of our almighty a God. But I am a stubborn girl and it took a  broken marriage, rape and Stage 4 brain cancer to make me fall to me knees and beg God for His unfailing mercy and grace.

Only He could make something beautiful of the mess I had created. 

Only He could redeem me from the pit of hell and shower so much love on me. 

And there was nothing I did to earn it. He doesn't care what I look like, or how much I weigh. He just wants me to be in perfect intimacy with him. Walking in daily repentance as I mess up, and I've learned that I will and that's ok. Because if I wasn't so messed up, I wouldn't need him so badly. Sometimes your soul has to go down to the darkest of the depths before you realize your aching desperation for your Savior.

I praise the Lord that today I am blessed with an amazing, and wise and loving Christian husband whom I adore. I have two beautiful children whom I cannot imagine life without. I am pregnant with my third child, a miracle that my oncologist told me would never happen. And all in spite of me. Not because of me. Once I quit trying so hard and began to learn to give up control and rest in his presence, it is the happiest I have ever been.

Do I need to be a size 2 to be loved? Nope. And neither do you. But you do need to remain in an intimate place with you heavenly Father. 

The way I do that is by getting a good, bible based devotional, use it to navigate through scripture and ask God what He wants to show me. It may be a specific scripture to meditate on, or a concept that I need to grab a hold of. And pray. Out loud... in your head...with others or by yourself.

"In all things, by prayer and supplication, make your requests know before God." He loves us. He cares about every single detail of our lives. He wants to heal our hurts, our disappointments, our pasts. He wants to share in our joy, be our comforter and best friend. And the most important reason why I need God's power to stay free? Because I am Christ's servant, I am here to serve others, to bless others, to lead by example. Something which I cannot do if I am focused on self. So even though we live in this world, we are not "of it". Hard to do but not impossible. The best life that you can ever live.

"For I know the plans I have for you, said the Lord. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11.

I choose today to shut out the messages of this world and listen to the voice of my heavenly father.  

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.  The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." Psalm 145:14-16

Guest Blogger,
Melanie Pitawanakat