Those who are married may have this shared experience – I can almost guarantee it!

Women can share stories and calendars only to have their significant other say – you never told me that?! Or, you share a beloved “to do” list that your spouse isn’t particularly interested in – and they tune you out. Like your words just fall out of your mouth on the floor. (P.S. this is not a reflection of Jeff…on the basis that he told me when we first got married, he was not going to accept “to do” lists! Ha! True). 

We women peg men for adopting the gift of selective hearing – but really, it can be an issue for us too.

I talk a lot about things we SHOULD NOT listen to. We just finished a SHAME OFF U seminar last week, where we looked at toxic shame, and the story it tells us about our-selves. We do often need a re-write on that story that affects our identity. We need not listen to lies, toxins, or tapes inside our head that destroy our self-image and self-esteem.

BUT

We can set ourselves up for stagnant personal growth with this tendency:

not listening.

John Wayne would say, “You're short on ears and long on mouth.”

Earth shattering I know.

It is translated: that’s what I wanted to hear, so that’s what I’m going to listen to

There are things we need to listen to and often ignore. That default pattern can cause us to deny our need for personal, emotional or relational growth as well.

But we often stay deaf to some things we don’t want to hear – and have laser focus on what affirms something we don’t want to change.

I’m not saying rise to someone’s unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying to bend to someone’s “gottcha” unjust harsh criticism. I’m not saying to tune back into the toxins you have worked to tune out. Those we gotta tune out!

But we can listen to the wrong things that are disguised as positive or harmless. It can be trickier than identifying the negative voice we listen to.

Sometimes our stubborn hearts are selective about the truth that it applies. It hears but does not listen.

I’m ok.

That doesn’t apply to me?

I love that truth – patting it like a cute puppy with a slight condescension. Smile, flick of the hair, meanwhile walking away from it empty-hearted.

1 Timothy 4:3 [MSG] says, “You’re going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food—catchy opinions that tickle their fancy. They’ll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages. But you—keep your eye on what you’re doing; accept the hard times along with the good; keep the Message alive; do a thorough job as God’s servant.”

This is about: Spiritual junk food. Catchy opinions. Things that tickle your fancy.

Another translation says – we filter our hearing with itchy ears. Itchy for something to justify a part of us that does need change, truth, love, or cleansing.

There is a story about a man had just put the finishing touches on a fresh concrete driveway. He went inside to enjoy a glass of lemonade when, to his horror, he saw his little neighbor boy playing in the fresh concrete. He went outside and yelled angrily at the boy. After he had fixed the concrete and come back inside, his wife said, “Why did you yell at him? I thought you loved little boys.” The man replied, “I love little boys in the abstract, but I don’t like them in the concrete.”

We like the idea of truth – we like to observe some of God’s instructions from afar. When truth gets specific to us and our heart condition – it seems imposing on our lives.

Some psychologists speak of a willful blindness [deafness]: where we are selective about the information we pay attention to.  Willful blindness according to is an emotional coping we use to remain “unseeing” in situations. According to Margaret Heffernan willful blindness is, “where we could know, and should know, but don’t know because it makes us feel better not to know.”

Our human capacity is not wired to take in all information that surrounds us 24/7. So we edit and are selective about what see and understand. This can be sub-conscious and conscious efforts.  We mostly admit the information that makes us feel great about ourselves, while conveniently leaving out whatever pushes against our pride. This means – maybe we are missing out on valuable and transformative truths for our hearts and spiritual health.

What do you strive not to see or hear?

What messages can you identify that affirm something deep down you know you have avoided getting real about?

Areas we usually exercise willful blindness or deafness in areas of our lives that we feel overwhelmed to address, accept or change. We often avoid fully accepting truth because we fear of conflict, change, feelings inadequacy, or admitting that we need help. 

Truth can first feel uncomfortable if it pairs with the need for personal change and growth.

So . . . as Charles Swindol would say, when you listen, listen slowly.

Don’t tune out God’s truth. Embrace what He says is good for you, and allow Him to protect you from what would harm you. That's what truth does . . . it heals, restores and sets you free.

Stop band-aiding a part of your life by telling yourself what you want to hear – or listening to what you want to hear instead of hearing what you need to listen to.

Make a list of the selective hearing - that is feasting on spiritual junk food and catchy opinions. Line it up with truth - it will lighten your load.

Because in all things – the truth sets us free. Galatians 5:1