We could examine cultural and main stream media’s contribution to the ME ME ME instant gratification issue – but there is another big factor being examined as well. That is current parent trends in North America.

A big factor: parenting.

There have been some recent studies suggesting that the root of entitlement can grow out of a feeling of helplessness and unproductive living. This is sparked by overcompensating parents and an under developing child/parent relationship.

In an article found in The New Yorker anthropologist Carolina Izquierdo conducted a study examining the mindsets of today’s young adults and their unique combination of narcissism and learned helplessness.

She spent time with parents and children in other countries and cultures. She found that there was a great contrast in regards to parenting and the expectations of their children. The contrast became evident specifically in their approach to early learning of skills and productivity.

For example, parents in Peru empowered their children at a young age to do chores, taught them to catch fish and cook them, expected them to clean the house, and asked them to go to the market and help the family as a normative behavior without praise.

In contrast, she saw that in American families, parents did menial chores for children and had very little training or expectation of the children resulting in a combine feeling of helplessness and entitlement.

This learned helplessness was created due to a restriction from developing skills to do tasks for themselves, thus, robbing them of the enjoyment of productivity and making contributions. 

This cycle then turned into an expectation for parents and for others to provide a high level of care. Even though the child grew older in age, they did not grow in maturity and independence as hoped.

The message was two-fold: you can’t do this, you don’t have to do this – I’ll do it for you. 

The observation was a generation of parents desperately wanting their children to succeed while raising them in a way that is counterproductive. Their desire to enable resulted in disabling.

 “You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.”
― Abraham Lincoln

Parents can engage in this style of parenting for many reasons: keeping up with the Jones’, feelings of inadequacy or guilt, pride of being the “perfect” parent, its what their parents did/didn't do, out of a desire to be a good parent, or to save time rather than teach a skill and so on.  

Their efforts are producing the opposite desired results.

So now we find parents needing to be empower to parent differently, who are mistakenly disempowering their children.

They are giving into the myth mentality that the more you give your children, the better parent you are and the better off they will be.  All this leading to the message that they are entitled to receive most anything without cost, effort, work, manners, sharing, or giving back.

Denese from Off The Grid News says, “This continual cycle of protecting children from responsibility and “saving time” by taking over chores that children should be learning to do is building Generation Me into a group of young adults who don’t know how to take care of themselves, lack ambition, and have grown up believing that their sheltered upbringing means that they are above-average. Clearly, not everyone can be above average, especially in a generation where most members have never learned household responsibility or personal motivation.”

If this persists into through childhood and adolescence the internalized message of that child may be, “I am, therefore give to me.” Children become entitled when they get overlay praised for tasks they should be doing as a part of daily living. This also maybe an contributing factor for the observations of psychologists who suggest that adolescence is now being observed until the age of 25.

An entitlement posture cares only about their own desires and needs at the expense of other people or they may habitually prioritize their own needs.

12 Symptoms of entitlement

Kate Tempest says, “Taking things for granted is a terrible disease. We should all be checking ourselves regularly for signs of it.”  I agree – we need checkups for symptoms of this disease are all prone to.

1.    Belief that one deserves happiness and will attain it at other people’s expense.
2.    Attention seeking in unhealthy ways – cravings for adoration.
3.    One thinks they are not responsible – someone else is, and I will reap the benefits.
4.    One may want all the credit, and none of the blame in a given situation.
5.    Exaggerated demands on family, friends, children or employees.
6.    A person fixated on own needs and do not consider the needs of others.
7.    One who is a taker in relationships and creates an unfair advantage.
8.    They have to have their way; compromise is not something they will consider.
9.    They assert themselves in situations as to have the best outcome for them, even if others disagree.
10.    They may take moral licensing – rules do not apply to you, but you enforce them on others.
11.    They feel put out if family or friends ask them for small favors.
12.    They freeload, taking from others, or expecting special care, treatment, or provision from others.

Entitlement can enmesh with someone’s brokenness, worldview or mental health issue and show up in many behaviors such as: 

•    A person who shows up at a party uninvited
•    Parents who demand impractical special treatment for their kids
•    A teenager who gets a speeding ticket and expects their parents to pay for it
•    A young girl who bullies other girls into doing what she wants
•    A college male who coheres young women into relationships at his whim
•    A spouse who spends a generous amount of money on themselves at detriment to their family
•    A teen demanding to be a starter on the sports team that has not earned the spot
•    The student who gets a deserved poor mark and asks for a higher one
•    The person who demands the best office space without considering their colleagues
•    The person not working as hard as others on a project excepting them to pick up the slack.
      
Or as Michael Scott may put it: I want none of the blame, and all of the credit.

Solutions

1.    Self-awareness:

If we can’t see how and why we do things or do not do things, we can’t grow. Self-awareness is a factor in health and wholeness. It is defined as: conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. So it is imperative that parents develop self-awareness in their parenting, but also teach self-awareness to their children. A question to answer at any age: why would we avoid taking responsibility for our own lives and expect others to give us special privileges?

2.    Evaluate expectations:

We need to be able to look at our expectations of ourselves, family, friends, school, church, government etc. Do we have over inflated expectations that others can’t live up to. Do we have inflated expectations for privilege that are not for others to fulfill in the first place?

3.    Teaching skills:

Parents, teachers, coaches, counsellors, pastors need to teach life skills, emotional coping, and how to take responsibility for one’s life. We can model, set tone, instruct and give opportunity for our children and students to grow into responsible adults. Teaching is different than doing tasks for someone, its empowering them to do the tasks themselves.

4.    Setting limits: 

Part of combating entitlement is being able to acknowledge limits. We need to see what kind of limits we have put on ourselves, when we have put limits on others. Healthy emotions and relationships exist within the context of healthy limits. Entitlement actually limits one’s ability to fully and freely care for themselves by expecting privilege to compensate for their self-importance or lack of motivation.

5.    Engage Earning Activities: 

Perhaps we are so sensitive about showing unconditional love to our kids, that we miss the piece about earning respect, trust, money, position, and privilege.  We need to create space for children to learn skills, do chores, learn self-care of all sorts, and how to work for means.

6.    Cultivate Gratitude:

Gratitude is the sword that pierces through entitlement. Dr.  Brene Brown says this way, “What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude.”  Instead of expecting something, being grateful for it when it comes provides life with much more joy. Gratitude for a supper made, a vacation, summer camp, being on a sports team, new job, good friends etc., will help guard against taking advantage of something or someone.

7.    Engage in Giving: 

It is so important to be a part of sharing life with others in community and that means giving of yourself:  time, energy, friendship, service, and money. It’s important to model serving others and engaging in altruistic opportunities, that is, to give to something without return.

The next step of modelling is to teach our children and students to look for altruistic opportunities in which they can extend themselves in helpful service.

We could take a deeper look at what scripture says about all this. Entitlement is the opposite to what Jesus taught us. But Paul writes these words to our hearts:

"Let nothing be done out of strife or conceit, but in humility let each esteem the other better than himself. Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Let this mind be in you all, which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped. But He emptied Himself, taking upon Himself the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men. And being found in the form of a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross" (Phil. 2:3-8).

 “God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.” James 4:6 MSG

“To ease another’s heartache is to forget one’s own.”  ― Abraham Lincoln

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” ― John Bunyan