TRUE U

“Abundance is not something we acquire.

It is something we tune into.” – Wayne Dyer

A reminder to all of us . . . a longer post, but I hope you find encouraging reminders.

I think we’ve all been there. Challenging days can turn into challenging seasons in life.

Have you ever slumped in a chair thinking, there must be more. We are so prone to feelings of lack. For you, words haven’t directly expressed this feeling of lack – but you’ve noticed that you’ve become snappy with your loved ones. Maybe you lack the energy or the desire to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe it’s just a nagging unsettled feeling you can’t put your finger on? Maybe you desire more out of life but that thought exhausts you at the same time. Life wears and tears sometimes. There are events, people, material pursuits and longings that can deplete the vitality of life. Sadly, we often end up surrendering to this sense of dissatisfaction, but we don’t need to wave a white flag of surrender.

What Robs Us?

What robs us of a sense of abundance? Sometimes it’s our very own definition of abundance that restricts us. Rick Warren writes, “It is a fatal mistake to assume that God’s goal for your life is material prosperity or popular success, as the world defines it. The abundant life has nothing to do with material abundance, and faithfulness to God does not guarantee success in a career. Never focus on temporary crowns.” Distorted views of living a full life leads to an unfulfilling chase.

My husband is always full of wisdom - I love hearing his take on things. He says, "Abundance in material terms - means a lot: more than enough. But life is not in the material category. In terms of life, abundance is the experience and ability to overcome challenges, hardships - especially with God's help and leading." - Jeff Dahms

Your Journey – My Journey – Our Journey

I don’t know where your journey has taken you. Parts of my personal path have not been what I would have initially dreamed about as a girl and teen. There are times where I think, it wasn’t supposed to be this way – and yet I know and believe this path has lead me right to where I am supposed to be. There have been lots of challenges and disappointments (and amazing things too, but that’s another post). I’ve had to learn and fight for abundant life through issues like: weight gain & loss, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, job loss, character defamation, betrayal, business, unfulfilled longings, financial stress and so on. These are things that I have chosen not to allow to overcome me – instead I have had to choose to overcome them. I am a passion driven person – and so I do not want to live with any sense of lack.

No White Flags

Your list may have something similar or different, but we all have to battle to understand and live truly abundant life. No matter what your story – I think we are all in the same boat seeking abundance and fighting the lie of lack.

We have been conditioned to understand abundance in terms of western consumer culture. I’m pretty sure we all know by now lasting fulfillment hasn’t been found at the bottom of an ice-cream container, the high of a shopping spree, or after falling into a Netflix show hole. It just doesn’t. Even those who understand abundance from a spiritual point of view can easily get caught back into the trap of Hollywood happiness – which leaves you empty instead of full. In the race of life, our wrong pursuits come from a wrong start line. We can become hoarders of the useless things in life.

There is a saying, strength doesn’t come from the things you can do – it comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn’t. Let’s re-write that for abundant life: abundance doesn’t come from acquiring more, it comes from enjoying what is truly meaningful and lasting.

Stay With Me

In 2016, the top new year’s resolution was to live life to the fullest! Yes, I agree. But to attain that goal, we have to get to the right start line - the path with the right promise, principles and practice.

Last year a group of positive psychology practitioners gathered together with a 30 million dollar budget to analyze the science of living a full life. They highlighted a few obvious things: 1) money doesn’t make people happy 2) more friends or better jobs did not make people happy, and 3) dwelling on negative thoughts and events made people unhappy. However, the summary of their findings I found amusing. It was amusing because they spent a generous amount of time and money discovering what God has already told us about a life of fulfillment.

Martin Seligman described three ways that people try to live happy. The first was a pleasure driven life. The pleasure drive model for living was full of self-driven, instant gratifications with superficial facades that left people dissatisfied. The last two ways of living were more promising. He calls them, “good life,” and the “meaningful life.” The good life is one where a person discovers their signature strengths such as, perseverance, love of learning, leadership, team work, creativity, perspective, bravery, kindness, gratitude, hospitality, spirituality etc. They found when people discovered a sense of gifting and purpose their levels of fulfillment increased exponentially. There was another level of fulfillment they found that if people used their gifts to help others, this led to a deeply meaningful life even more fulfilling than just understanding their gift.

In the end, millions were spent to affirm the goodness of God’s promises and order for our lives. He has created us with unique gifts and qualities to use for others. In that altruistic (servanthood) approach, we find a sense of richness in life. Ed Stetzer says, “Abundant life is not about what we have. It’s not about what we get. It’s not about what we claim.” It’s about claiming God’s divine and unchanging promises for our lives.

Comparison

Positive Psychology Study of Happiness	Biblical Instruction
Use your signature strengths for others:	Use what gifts you have to serve others (1 Pet. 4:10)
Negative thinking can bring a self-fulfilling prophecy	You are what you think (Prov. 23:7)
Positive thinking produces health	A joyful heart is good medicine, but depression drain’s one’s strength. Prov. 17:22
We can teach ourselves to see the glass half-full	A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash. For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast. Prov. 15:14,15
If you just simply remove negatives, all you get is an empty person	God fills you with hope, joy and peace as you trust Him. Rom. 15:13
Thoughts create feelings that lead to actions	For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, (Mark 7:21)
Protect your heart against external and internal toxins	Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. (Prov. 4:23)
Look within	Look to God: the supply of abundance comes from God (2 Cor. 9:8)

The thing is - our God truly loves us. He talks to us about abundance from His love letters. He wants us to view abundance from his eyes and recognize the many things that try to steal it from us. Jesus tells us in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

Let’s look at a deeper meaning of these two words from their original context:

Life: living with sustenance

Abundance: continuous advantage

This Is Cool

I think this is cool – if we live with God as our source of nourishment to the soul – He gives us life with continuous advantage in the face of situations or thoughts that want to destroy our vitality.

The proper starting line for living with abundance is to grasp God’s promise, adopt it as a life principle and live out in practice. We can live a life with sustenance – nourishment from a relationship with God. That includes seeing challenge, suffering, and longing, from his creative and loving perspective. When life looks like it is a famine, the solution is to feast on God’s truth. It’s the way He created us to overcome and no to be overcome.

As we get our sustenance from that relationship – there is a bi-product that exists even in the face of life railing on us. That bi-product is abundance. It just doesn’t make sense from a human perspective, I know. But that’s why we embrace God’s perspective that opens up divine help for us.

He wants to give us a continuous advantage over those feelings of lack, suffering, illness, life stressors, work-place stress, new mom fatigue, family conflict, strained marriage, unfulfilled dreams, loneliness, depression, etc.

Our relationship with God is to be the life-line, the fertile ground that gives sustenance to have advantage in all areas of our living.

Promise Principle Practice

Promise: He wants to give us abundance life (John 10:10, Matt. 6:33, 2 Cor. 5:17, Ps. 16:11)

Principle: Abundant life happens while staying connected to the one who gives us inner peace, joy, hope and freedom. It is claiming and living out God’s intended reality for our lives in the midst of the pain and struggle of life.

Practice: There is nothing that can replace communicating with God. Abundance comes from knowing his promise and principles and is activated through a heart to heart relationship with God. Getting our sustenance from a living breathing connection to God gives us advantage over the things that try to steal joy, peace, and hope – leaving us disillusioned, discouraged, and distressed.

Abundant Life Practices:

Simplify – whatever that means for you. Anything from un-needed over-spending to overdoses of social media or T.V.
Engage the world around you – nature, (I seriously recommend nature!) people, neighbours, family, and friends.
Help someone else with your gifts – the sense of fullness of life is real!
Take care of you – rest and health care is spiritual!
Incorporate healthy activities you enjoy and maybe once gave up. New things are good too.
Find a way to express yourself – a creative outlet.
Find a friend to be transparent with and talk about the meaningful things in life.
Take inventory of how many thoughts during the day are life giving, and those that steal joy.
Identify anything or anyone that controls you – and sucks life out of you.
Revisit what abundant life looks like – and doesn’t look like.
Replace a Hollywood-happiness approach with an authentic relational approach.
Refresh your connection with God with heart to heart conversation with Him.
Take every promise God makes you and truly absorb it, journal them, pray them, remind yourself of them daily.
Take all thoughts that are junk mail directly to the garbage can – then leave them there.
Re-train your thinking about challenge and suffering, grow and learn through it, while experiencing God’s comfort that He amazingly gives us by His Spirit.

No white flags. Keep persevering – its leads to character and hope! Romans 5:4

“Abundance is not something we acquire.

It is something we tune into.” – Wayne Dyer

HOW DARE SHE “It took me a while to figure it out. Maybe it’s because I was naïve and trusting. I found friends becoming distant, a sudden break up with my boyfriend, even a teacher at school was treating me different. Then, she slipped up. She was proud of it. She wanted me to know it was her.

There seemed to be two sides to this girl. The side only her cronies knew - the one who laughed and smiled - and the one everyone else had to experience. The side that took pride in taunting, lying and manipulating.” ~ Claire, high school mean girl survivor

We’ve all met one. Maybe you have been one?

Whether you are a pre-teen surviving high school or woman in the work place – you have probably had an “HOW DARE SHE” moment.

A mean girl is a frenemy on steroids, employing advanced combat techniques that I like to call weapons of mass manipulation.

If you missed out on the Regina George rendition of a mean girl, here is a definition for you. A mean girl is a person who uses passive-aggressive or outright aggressive tactics to shame, humiliate, ostracize, or hurt other girls/women, often with the intention of making herself look better by comparison. Mean girls are, in short, bullies who target other women.

WEAPONRY

Often times if a mean girl is going to “get ya,” it will be with the subtle sneak attack that you only know happened after the fact.

Mean girls like to gain a sense of power and do not like threats to their sense of superiority. They see others as threats of competition, achievement, or favoritism etc. They want to control attention and affirmation in their world. When they detect a threat to their own security and or sense of importance, mean girls will then start to employ their self-preservation security system.

Mean girls self-preservation security ops include a social currency of competition that is expressed in passive aggressive behavior, brash tone, as well as coded body language and facial expressions that are all meant to devalue the social status of their target. Sometimes it’s not what is said; it’s how it is said or what is not said that leaves a lingering effect in the minds of others.

The real weapon being described here is the use of friendship for self-preservation and power. Mean girls use the triangulation of the relationship between you and them and you and others as a weapon. This form of female bullying is also called, relational aggression.

NICE GIRL GONE ROGUE

There have been studies on relational aggression for several years as bullying issues have come to the forefront in our society. No longer is bullying a picture of two little boys scrapping on the schoolyard, or someone taking someone’s lunch money. For girls, it is often a dynamic occurrence where girl on girl aggression happens by covert methods (relational weapons of mass manipulation). All the while they strive to retain their socialized identity - as the "pleaser, nice, good girl." The term relational aggression (RA) was created by Nicki Crick from the University of Minnesota. RA is defined in Dr. Cheryl Dellasega and Dr. Charisse Nixon’s book called “Girl Wars,” as relationships used to harm others. RA is usually used in subtleties of communication with girls, unlike boys who will yell, hit, fight and demonstrate outward aggression. This is a norm for boys from a young age, whereas girls are socialized to be “nice,” at all costs.

In her book, Odd Girl Out, Rachel Simmons surveys various groups of 9^th graders and asks what the difference is between the ways guys and girls show aggression. Here are the grade 9 girl’s responses according to Rachel Simmons: “[…] girls are manipulative, there is an aspect of evil in girls that there isn’t in boys, girls target you where they know you are the weakest, girls do a lot behind your back, girls plan and premeditate, I feel a lot safer with guys.” The girls went on to describe other girls as being sneaky and using intimate information in friendships to overpower others. They also used other words like unforgiving, disloyal, and often taking revenge. Many girls also report being fearful of labels other than nice – such as “bitch,” “catty,” or “manipulative.”

Wow, tough list eh ladies?

FRIENDSHIP WEAPONRY

Female friendships can be intense. Part of this intensity is also due to the intimacy girl’s share in friendships. Girls love girl talk. They love sharing deep aspects of thoughts, feelings, attractions and dreams with one another. When a mean girl violates this sacred trust found in friendship, betrayal leaves a stinger.

Now that it is clear that girls use friendship as a weapon, the question is, why? Does our past socialization as little girls contribute to this current behavioral phenomena? Does the, “be nice at all costs” message give girls a sense of restriction in expressing true feelings? Little girls are often socialized to be pleasers, nurturers, and share deep aspects of themselves with one another. This is wonderful, if accompanied by teaching other crucial social skills.

It seems there has been a deficit in the balance of teaching young girls conflict resolution, how to be assertive, and how to do so without terminating a friendship. This lack of balance swings wide a door of opportunity for nice girls to become mean girls, or mean girls to operate under the guise of a nice girl. The drive to retain a nice girl front can drive true feelings underground and lead to unhealthy subversive methods of communication. Instead of communicating disagreement, new ideas, dissatisfaction, hurt, or confusion in a relationship - they may choose female relational aggression to express their feelings of frustration or powerlessness. This powerlessness can become a series of volcanic eruptions in unhealthy maneuverings.

ANGER AND GOOD GIRL IMAGE

Many girls wield their anger underneath a good-girl image. Again in, Odd Girl Out Rachel says, “Some alternative aggressions are invisible to adult eyes. To elude social disapproval, girls retreat beneath a surface of sweetness to hurt each other in secret. They pass covert looks and notes, manipulate quietly over time, corner one another in hallways, turn their backs, whisper, and smile.” Unfortunately girls and women know how to serve their revenge cold. For RA to occur amongst girls there are often three groups of people involved: 1) the aggressor 2) the victim and 3) the girls in the middle or bystanders.

ALL OR NOTHING

Because of the nature of female socialization, relationships can often be all or nothing. At an early age, girls are given subtle cues that the friendships of nice girls are perfect. So, if there is a situation that is less than perfect, with no communication tools in hand, the friendship may end suddenly. This sets a foundation for an all or nothing response when conflict arises. For girls, conflict means loss. Even a little bump could be a relational deal breaker. So, they carry on as a pleaser, or a mean girl with a good girl mask.

Simmons states, “In a normal conflict, two people use language, voice, or fists to settle their dispute. The relationship between them is secondary to the issue being worked out. But when anger cannot be voiced, and when the skills to handle a conflict are absent, the specific matter cannot be addressed. If neither girl wants to be “not nice,” the relationship itself may become the problem.” So again, we see that the weaponry used becomes the friendship itself.

WHAT LIES BENEATH

Motives for relational aggression can be as simple as jealousy, and complex as feelings of powerlessness, those bullied becoming bullies, past abuse, or unhealed wounds and harbored unforgiveness. Three big motivators for RA can be feelings of inadequacy, the performance trap, and approval addict. Though each of these could have their own post, I’ll touch briefly on them.

FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY

Inadequacy is defined as a condition of deficiency, lack, and deficit. In counseling terms, it is like the imposter syndrome, where people face chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence. This can create a short term self-image crisis and feelings of discomfort. If someone pushes the inadequacy button – boom, the mean girl self-preservation system activates and she engages in relationally aggressive behaviors.

PERFORMANCE TRAP

Girls/women tend to have a strong desire to please. Without proper focus and balance this too can become a trap. The drive to please can also turn into a drive to perform. If a woman is getting her identity from the unstable indicator of performance alone - there is a rollercoaster of insecurity and feelings of inadequacy to follow.

We have a strong need to feel significant. For some women that means to be significant, they must be the most significant woman in the room, team or circle of friends. Celebrating other women’s significance or success presses the inadequacy button because of the age-old tendency to compare and compete. Not feeling like the “most” significant girl/woman on the team or friend circle may activate a mean girl’s weapons of mass manipulation.

APPROVAL ADDICT

Someone ingrained with the need to please, may also look for approval indicators. Though we all need positive affirmation, seeking approval on the regular, from all who would admire – is a detrimental behavior. The mean girl who is not getting her quota of approval, or who feels like someone else is getting more approval will engage in relational aggression behaviour to try to sooth and quiet those raging seas of insecurity.

GOOD NEWS - BAD NEWS

Exploring reasons for the mean girl phenomena is a critical conversation for us gals. The good news is the more we understand ourselves and others, the more we can overcome these hidden hurtful feelings that cause damaging situations.

The bad news is, mean girls do not graduate high school and magically become mature, whole and well-adjusted adults. Mean girl techniques often get all the more refined in adulthood.

It is time to unlearn poor communication, give up competition, and learn how to preserve friendships instead of making them weapons. It’s a good moment to reflect and allow the mirror to reveal what lies beneath. Let’s strive to ensure feelings of powerlessness do not turn in to weapons of mass manipulation. Let’s save an unsuspecting girl/woman from our own suffering at the expense of another’s well-being.

Don’t let your nice girl go rogue.

Thanks for checking out True U’s Roots & Wings Girl’s Day!

Its all about helping girls grow roots, that will help them fly free!

Growing roots of character, self-confidence, value and faith. As these essentials take root, these girls will be empowered to make healthy choices that influence their future. Its about them soaring with the God given purpose in life, free of negative messages from the past, media, self doubt and misspoken word of others. True U is about girls finding their God given value, identity and purpose.

Since 2005, we have hosted smaller scale girls days. However, it has been a dream to scale it bigger – and make it available to as many that can come participate. We have also opened it starting at grade 7 because that is a crucial age for self-image development.

With your $10 registration each participate will enjoy 8 inspirational and informative sessions, a girls day group photo, a TRUE U T-shirt, and a Pizza lunch. We make this possible by the generous donations of others!

Please Register at www.true-u.ca

ROOTS & WINGS GIRLS DAY SESSIONS

“GIRL TALK”

Mirror Mirror: Self-Image

We will discuss the importance of having a healthy self image and how to see through a new lens. What messages do we hear and see that give us negative feelings about ourselves?

Fit & Fun: Healthy Living At Home

It is so important to take care of ourselves body, mind, and soul. This session will focus on fun ways to be active and teaching how to make a delicious smoothie at home.

Girl Meets Boy: Relationships

Girls need to find their intrinsic value rather than base it on a boy or middle school relationship that will disappoint. We want girls to know the power knowing their value, the power of choice/consent. Just because a boy desires them, does not necessarily mean he values them.

Frenemy: Friendships

How do you identify that girl in your friend circle who’s not really being your friend? What do you do? We will walk through what a good and healthy friend looks like, and how to deal with a girl who is a Frenemy.

STICKY: Labels

Words can stick. Negative self talk can stick. But just how do you remove those sticky labels? We will continue our theme on value, and self worth by encouraging girls to identify what negative labels they are carrying at to transform them into truth about themselves!

Creative Sessions

Song Bird:

Girls can find out how a local artist writes songs, and will encourage the girls to pursue their gifts and not give up!

Stylish U:

Want some fast hair or makeup tips, one of our young adults will be giving some instruction!

Stomp: One Girl Nation

We are going to have a blast learning a group choreographed dance by one of our local dance teachers. Tied in with our Frenemy talk, we will learn to work in unity and as a team as a one girl nation – no divisions.

Big thank you to our “Girl Talk” Presenters

Melanie Murray, Jeanette Mackintosh, Rachel Wright, Trina Moss, and Grace Goodridge.

Thank you to the many hands that will make R&W Girls Day meaningful and exciting.