TRUE U

Dear women in church leadership,

|| Read to bottom to find 14 ways to cope with gender bias in ministry and resources list ||

And I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will be faithful and bring it to completion. Philippians 1:6

Hello women in ministry.

I’m assuming you still showed up at work this week –right? I’m assuming you still showed up to help, teach, preach, serve, counsel those in your care – right?

So Johny M. didn’t hijack your week, but he may have hijacked your heart.

I’m hoping one man’s words shouted into a megaphone didn’t send you packing. But it might have caused some emotions: doubt, anger, sadness, frustration, or invalidation.

Well, I want to help sooth those emotions.

Perhaps you were amused by last week’s remarks? It is a serious discussion but I can hardly take some in this discussion seriously. Can you? It is true that everything we need to know we learned in kindergarten: especially manners and how to play nice in the sandbox together.

This is what I wrote on my facebook post after becoming aware of John MacArther’s words telling women in leadership to “go home."

“Dear John, maybe you need to go home and listen to your words as if you were a woman until, at the very least, tears flow and compassion rises. Dear women pastors, just keep walking in your calling, integrity, and the Spirit. Don’t get caught up in the distractions - only meaningful and respectful discussion as needed. Xo”

I write this with one goal: compelled to be a voice of empowerment. I’m not in it for debate. As a ministry leader, maybe you are well experienced and battle hardened or maybe you are just starting out in leadership. Either way, this is for all of us. xo

Dirty Laundry

I could tell you a dirty laundry list of things that have been said and done while serving as a female Pastor. I’m sure you could too.

Like the time I sat up front of a class cracking open my bible, while there was an open air debate as to whether or not two individuals could stay at Bible study under my teaching.

Or the woman who was very convinced I should not be in leadership because I didn’t have children. She repeatedly reminded me of this, once leaning over me while I was in my office chair with her sharp finger nail in my face.

I had a male leader call me one time to extend an opportunity to me; while also explaining to me what a board was and what their role was like I was a child.

Sadly, I had to leave a spot of ministry due to slander and a man had the gall show up at my in-laws door-step and tell them it was all because I was a woman, as if I deserved it.

Those are just a couple examples of a much longer list. I know, so sad.

I’ve walked a difficult path in Pastoral ministry and have remained intact. I don’t suggest that all negative events were because of overt or covert gender bias, but some were.

Rose Coloured Glasses

This conversation took me by surprise in my late teen years. I didn’t know about it at first. The blissful ignorance. I didn’t know the woman-in-ministry-debate existed when I first went to Bible College.

I didn’t envision some of the things that I’ve encountered ever happening when I started out.

Nonetheless, they happened.

I grew up in a mainline church where women in pulpit ministry was a norm. I also had parents who didn’t hold me back from anything based on my gender. My relationship with the Lord was sweet. I was amazed at how He used me in people’s lives at a young age. I was so compelled by the call, I was all in. It did not occur to me that there was debate about women in ministry.

Honestly, I have never questioned my calling despite my path being very difficult over the years.

Here are a few things to consider as you and I walk out our callings.

Please suit up. There will always be haters and debaters.

First and most obvious, God didn’t promise us an easy path. So lets suit up properly for the journey (mentally, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, relationally). The enemy always wants a way to disqualify the work of God and His workers. The debaters may be well intentioned, but the haters are toxic. Don’t allow their toxins to pollute your heart.

Please don’t be surprised.

Please don’t be surprised when this happens, rather, be prepared. Be prepared so you are not triggered. If you don’t settle this issue in your heart, you will be surprised and triggered each time there is an “apparent” attack on the validity of your leadership based on gender bias.

This may lead to moments where you react instead of respond. If your fight/flight is activated your ability to think critically will be diminished and the rational moment you hope for will be lost. That means you may find yourself in a shame storm or a conversation that you regret. Both aren’t productive or what you really want.

Instead, increase resilience and decrease your vulnerability factors. Settle the issue in your heart and mind so you are not triggered, doubtful, operating out of insecurity or anger.

Please don’t get distracted.

It is all a distraction from your real mission.

There is no time for distractions. For heaven’s sake and every broken heart’s sake on earth, don’t get distracted. People need you focused on your call and mission.

Please remind yourself of your identity.

It boils down to this: know who you are and know whose you are. That’s the sweet spot. Take your sweet self back to Sunday school. God created you, called you, and will equip you.

Calling goes hand in hand with equipping. Do what you need to do to grow your knowledge and skills for the call on your life. Dig in. Don’t shrink back because someone on the playground called you a GIRL.

Please be kind to yourself and process those emotions.

Everyone’s experience with this will vary. Everyone’s ministry context is different. But there maybe a moment where the injustice of gender bias in ministry will hurt. It may cost you. It may be downright unjust.

You are only human and you're going to have to work this through. Take the time. Get the help. Make sure your heart and mind and nervous system heals up so you can continue to be healthy in your leadership role. Suppressing, ignoring, or accumulating these hurts will eventually burn you up or out.

Please don't allow abuse.
We need to be able to address the covert nature of this bias in our environments. But if covert bias has turned to harassment or abuse, please report it. Do not suffer in silence. It is not your job to endure harassment or abuse.

Please don't go home.
Stand tall. Head up. You have every reason to be confident if you are called, equipped, and healthy as a leader. Keep going.

- THE PIVOT -

You are not my enemy (maybe).

Not everyone who holds a complimentarian/or other view of women in leadership are your enemies. I mean, they could be. They could position themselves as such. But where possible, let's try to find common ground.

One of the men referred to above that verbally debated my validity as a Pastor based on gender, is the same man I’ve done missions work with. He is the same man that became supportive of me as a person and pastor after getting to know me. I don’t think I changed his theological position but our relationship changed.

I can still work with you (maybe).

We need to evaluate the goal. For me the goal is relationship over theological views where possible. If we can change the tone of the relationship with a person that shares an alternate view of women in ministry, that’s a win. The goal should be healthy relationships over endless debate. There is more fruit in that. (The maybe refers to those who refuse to work together or are abusive with their ideation.)

Live out loud that authentic call.

I believe it is possible to live your authentic call and for those with alternate views to receive your ministry. Not all is lost here. When they see your passion, anointing, heart of service, that will resonate with their hearts. There can be common ground established and celebrated.

Yes, this will not be the case with all.

If they are chronically antagonistic and oppositional that is a different story. Get help. Keep your integrity.

Don’t see gender bias everywhere you go.

Not every challenge you face in ministry is because you are a woman. Learn to separate and discern what is happening. I don’t know your particular situation or context, but it's more likely you will face conflict based on issues other than gender bias.

There may exist overt or covert gender bias in your context, but it's not everywhere nor everyone.

Don’t get stuck on the gender issue - - that just gets you distracted. What you feed grows. Be wise on what to starve out and what is worthy of nourishment.

How to engage or not engage someone who wants to heat up the debate and is antagonistic?

1) Don’t take the bait, you don’t have to argue or debate

2) You're not responsible to justify your calling, just live it responsibly

3) Refer them to resources if they are open to it

4) Agree to disagree, don’t get stuck in the muck

5) Ask for them to stop – if their persistence turns to harassment

6) Retain your integrity and peace

How to engage someone with genuine curiosity on the issue?

1) Engage in meaningful and respectful dialogue

2) Refer them to resources

3) Find common ground and focus on that

4) Remember, you can still work together on meaningful ministry

5) Continue to be authentic and operate out of your gifts, anointing, and calling

FOURTEEN WAYS TO COPE WITH GENDER BIAS IN MINISTRY

Lets summarize . . .

1) There will always be haters and debaters

2) Don’t be surprised – be prepared

3) Don’t get distracted – keep your focus

4) Get equipped – intentionally grow your skills

5) Know who you are and whose you are

6) Settle this issue in your heart and mind; know Biblical positions

7) Decrease vulnerability factors, increase resiliency

8) Don’t take the bait - learn what to feed and what to starve

9) Get nourished in a supportive team

10) Process the emotions – heal your heart

11) Don’t see gender bias wherever you go

12) Believe in you, and more so the One who called you

13) Don't allow abuse
14) Let’s all play nice in the sandbox together.

Support for women in ministry.

I encourage you to find support if gender bias is weighing on your heart and mind. I encourage you to get support if you have found yourself in an unsupportive place of ministry. I encourage you to get support if past injustice haunts you.

I encourage women to encourage women as I find women are harder on women than the men are. (That’s another post).

I will also encourage continued equipping and empowerment. Make a plan. What do you need to do? Who is it that can help you?

Over the years, I have heard a comment several times: Kristy you must be so supportive of women in ministry.

My response: I am supportive of called women in ministry, equipped women in ministry, and healthy women in ministry.

Women lets do our part to ensure we are called, equipped, and healthy to lead.

And I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will be faithful and bring it to completion. Philippians 1:6

Kristy

Resources:

Why Not Women

https://www.amazon.ca/Why-Not-Women-Scripture-Leadership/dp/1576581837/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=why+not+women&qid=1572007907&s=books&sr=1-1

Women In Ministry - Two Views

https://www.amazon.ca/Two-Views-Women-Ministry-Zondervan/dp/031025437X/ref=asc_df_031025437X/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=292939153820&hvpos=1o5&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14266168349222748020&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000654&hvtargid=pla-560576134682&psc=1

Fashioned to Reign

https://www.amazon.ca/Fashioned-Reign-Empowering-Fulfill-Destiny/dp/0800796195/ref=asc_df_0800796195/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=292962708716&hvpos=1o2&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11318103190855233955&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000654&hvtargid=pla-450263415801&psc=1

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NOT GOOD ENOUGH TRAPS There is a lot of bait out there to lure us into the trap of self-doubt, or self-debasing. We seem to fall for it over and over again, until pain or problems point it out. What baits you into feeling “less than,” or “lacking?” At some point along the way, you have likely had thoughts and feels of self-doubt in one or all of the four areas I will list below. I don’t want to be

Am I really “#blessed?”

Have you seen it? The #blessed trend on social media? Of course you have.

#Soblessed #blessed #blessings

Apparently, facebook and twitter have a lot of blessed people.

I’ll give you a couple examples . . .

I have frequently seen people posting selfies with their startbucks with hashtag “blessed.” (If you have done this, just take a moment and giggle ok?)

A mom of a potty training toddler, who just took a poopy in the potty – hashtag “#blessed.”

Folks with exciting news about their new boat | car | cottage #blessed

People talking about how awesome their lives are with combine hashtags - “#humblebrag and #soblessed”

Recently, I have even observed a conversation where a few women seemed to be competing as to which one was more “#blessed,” and it could have aired as an episode on Jimmy Kimmel. The ridiculousness and hilarity was screen worthy.

Perhaps you get the picture . . .

These usages tend to cause me pause - - -it is one of those things that make me go “hummm.”

This post may be a couple years late . . . because that is how long this hashtag has been bothering me (joking |not joking). Today is the day I feel to give myself and all of us a reminder as to the broader picture of blessing.

So what does it mean to be blessed?

It seems that most of these tweets and hashtags are linked to “the good life,” success, beauty, or material gain.

Sometimes it just seems like less of giving gratitude to God and more about self-advertising, self-centered living.

Again. . . . things that make me go “hummm.”

Is that all there is to blessing? I mean, I’m all for gratitude, and I’m a pretty excitable person myself – but is that the only way we perceive blessing?

Let me ask you before you read further, do you “count your blessings?” If you do, what is usually on that list? What is usually on the top of that list?

In the New Testament there are over 100 references to blessing and none of them seem to be linked to material gain.

There are a couple words used for blessed or blessing in the scriptures.

1) Barak (OT, Hebrew) – blessed of God, of men, of things, of fruit of the womb
2) Esher (OT, Hebrew) – happiness
3) Makarioi (NT, Greek) – receive God’s benefits, to be fully satisfied, to receive favor regardless of circumstance, something that draws us closer to God

Let’s take a look at these verses to enlarge our perspective of blessing:

1) “Even more blessed are those who hear God’s Word and guard it with their lives!” Luke 11:28 MSG
2) Blessed are those who’s sin and disobedience are forgiven. Romans 4:7
3) Blessed are those who face trouble and trials. James 1:2

Jesus most popular sermon was on blessing . . . Matthew 5:3-12 MSG

3 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God . . .

4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you . . .

5 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought. . . .

6 “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat. . .

7 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for. . .

8 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. . .

9 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family. . .

10 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom. . .

11-12 “Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do!

Savor that ^

And again ^

Why blessed with such a harsh list? These draw us and compel us into closer relationship with God. This list also reveals God through us!

#blessed!

This paints for us a broader picture of blessing than we often consider or are comfortable with.

Blessings are not just externals but about a deep internal work in our hearts and character.

When you pray blessing on someone – you are not just praying for provision or protection – it is about their PERSON too!

Might I go as far to say a major BLESSING God has for us is to freely and fully become the person He has designed us to be - our TRUE U?!

Those of you who have children - do you enjoy constant give me give me rants? Not really eh? But you do take joy in giving to your children who are grateful? Even more than that I'm sure you are ecstatic to teach and instill good character to your children as they grow?

Why do we think our father only wants to bless us with "stuff." He wants to bless us more so with SUBSTANCE of character.

Oh I do believe that God can bless us with provision and protection. I do pray God would bless us with both. I do not want to diminish his provision and protection in our lives, but I do want to highlight and expansion of blessings that we often fail to consider as blessing.

How often do you go to the beatitudes in Matthew 5 as a check list for blessing?
Sometimes things that were meant to bless can be seen as a curse.

There can be a challenge, conflict, or criticism in your life that can transform you if you invite God into that pain. If we allow Him to teach us through trial there is transformation and blessing. If He is not with us through challenge, conflict, and criticism they can become the things that undo us.

Is some of our “unwellness” because we have not yet considered trials and trouble as an opportunity for blessing? Have you invited God into that pain and process?

I challenge our hearts to go beyond a style of prayer where we treat God like a genie in the bottle – with a bless me attitude that is selfish.

Let’s expand our view of blessing from mere material gain to ask ourselves these question:

1) What is God using to draw me closer to Him? (Perhaps something | circumstance I have rejected or avoided and causing greater pain?)

2) How is God working in me so that I can reveal His presence to others? (Where is there a challenge that is actually producing apparent goodness and growth rather than toxins in my life? Are there toxins because you are self-sufficiently #blessed rather than God’s presence with you and working in you #blessed?)

3) Where can I be a blessing that impacts others? (Do I hoard blessings or do I pass them on?)

Blessings can also come in the form of challenge, conflict, criticism and as we draw near to God in those times we are blessed with his presence. This is all so that through our challenge, conflict, and criticism we can reveal Jesus to those around us.

That is the biggest #blessed #soblessed #blessing there is.

"The degree of blessing enjoyed by any man will correspond exactly with the completeness of God’s victory over him."

A. W. Tozer

Birthday Banter . . . #37

KICK-START YOUR JANUARY WITH THESE QUESTIONS

RESOLUTIONS OR RENEWAL

I AM NOT ENOUGH | TRAPS

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