TRUE U

Dear women in church leadership,

|| Read to bottom to find 14 ways to cope with gender bias in ministry and resources list ||

And I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will be faithful and bring it to completion. Philippians 1:6

Hello women in ministry.

I’m assuming you still showed up at work this week –right? I’m assuming you still showed up to help, teach, preach, serve, counsel those in your care – right?

So Johny M. didn’t hijack your week, but he may have hijacked your heart.

I’m hoping one man’s words shouted into a megaphone didn’t send you packing. But it might have caused some emotions: doubt, anger, sadness, frustration, or invalidation.

Well, I want to help sooth those emotions.

Perhaps you were amused by last week’s remarks? It is a serious discussion but I can hardly take some in this discussion seriously. Can you? It is true that everything we need to know we learned in kindergarten: especially manners and how to play nice in the sandbox together.

This is what I wrote on my facebook post after becoming aware of John MacArther’s words telling women in leadership to “go home."

“Dear John, maybe you need to go home and listen to your words as if you were a woman until, at the very least, tears flow and compassion rises. Dear women pastors, just keep walking in your calling, integrity, and the Spirit. Don’t get caught up in the distractions - only meaningful and respectful discussion as needed. Xo”

I write this with one goal: compelled to be a voice of empowerment. I’m not in it for debate. As a ministry leader, maybe you are well experienced and battle hardened or maybe you are just starting out in leadership. Either way, this is for all of us. xo

Dirty Laundry

I could tell you a dirty laundry list of things that have been said and done while serving as a female Pastor. I’m sure you could too.

Like the time I sat up front of a class cracking open my bible, while there was an open air debate as to whether or not two individuals could stay at Bible study under my teaching.

Or the woman who was very convinced I should not be in leadership because I didn’t have children. She repeatedly reminded me of this, once leaning over me while I was in my office chair with her sharp finger nail in my face.

I had a male leader call me one time to extend an opportunity to me; while also explaining to me what a board was and what their role was like I was a child.

Sadly, I had to leave a spot of ministry due to slander and a man had the gall show up at my in-laws door-step and tell them it was all because I was a woman, as if I deserved it.

Those are just a couple examples of a much longer list. I know, so sad.

I’ve walked a difficult path in Pastoral ministry and have remained intact. I don’t suggest that all negative events were because of overt or covert gender bias, but some were.

Rose Coloured Glasses

This conversation took me by surprise in my late teen years. I didn’t know about it at first. The blissful ignorance. I didn’t know the woman-in-ministry-debate existed when I first went to Bible College.

I didn’t envision some of the things that I’ve encountered ever happening when I started out.

Nonetheless, they happened.

I grew up in a mainline church where women in pulpit ministry was a norm. I also had parents who didn’t hold me back from anything based on my gender. My relationship with the Lord was sweet. I was amazed at how He used me in people’s lives at a young age. I was so compelled by the call, I was all in. It did not occur to me that there was debate about women in ministry.

Honestly, I have never questioned my calling despite my path being very difficult over the years.

Here are a few things to consider as you and I walk out our callings.

Please suit up. There will always be haters and debaters.

First and most obvious, God didn’t promise us an easy path. So lets suit up properly for the journey (mentally, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, relationally). The enemy always wants a way to disqualify the work of God and His workers. The debaters may be well intentioned, but the haters are toxic. Don’t allow their toxins to pollute your heart.

Please don’t be surprised.

Please don’t be surprised when this happens, rather, be prepared. Be prepared so you are not triggered. If you don’t settle this issue in your heart, you will be surprised and triggered each time there is an “apparent” attack on the validity of your leadership based on gender bias.

This may lead to moments where you react instead of respond. If your fight/flight is activated your ability to think critically will be diminished and the rational moment you hope for will be lost. That means you may find yourself in a shame storm or a conversation that you regret. Both aren’t productive or what you really want.

Instead, increase resilience and decrease your vulnerability factors. Settle the issue in your heart and mind so you are not triggered, doubtful, operating out of insecurity or anger.

Please don’t get distracted.

It is all a distraction from your real mission.

There is no time for distractions. For heaven’s sake and every broken heart’s sake on earth, don’t get distracted. People need you focused on your call and mission.

Please remind yourself of your identity.

It boils down to this: know who you are and know whose you are. That’s the sweet spot. Take your sweet self back to Sunday school. God created you, called you, and will equip you.

Calling goes hand in hand with equipping. Do what you need to do to grow your knowledge and skills for the call on your life. Dig in. Don’t shrink back because someone on the playground called you a GIRL.

Please be kind to yourself and process those emotions.

Everyone’s experience with this will vary. Everyone’s ministry context is different. But there maybe a moment where the injustice of gender bias in ministry will hurt. It may cost you. It may be downright unjust.

You are only human and you're going to have to work this through. Take the time. Get the help. Make sure your heart and mind and nervous system heals up so you can continue to be healthy in your leadership role. Suppressing, ignoring, or accumulating these hurts will eventually burn you up or out.

Please don't allow abuse.
We need to be able to address the covert nature of this bias in our environments. But if covert bias has turned to harassment or abuse, please report it. Do not suffer in silence. It is not your job to endure harassment or abuse.

Please don't go home.
Stand tall. Head up. You have every reason to be confident if you are called, equipped, and healthy as a leader. Keep going.

- THE PIVOT -

You are not my enemy (maybe).

Not everyone who holds a complimentarian/or other view of women in leadership are your enemies. I mean, they could be. They could position themselves as such. But where possible, let's try to find common ground.

One of the men referred to above that verbally debated my validity as a Pastor based on gender, is the same man I’ve done missions work with. He is the same man that became supportive of me as a person and pastor after getting to know me. I don’t think I changed his theological position but our relationship changed.

I can still work with you (maybe).

We need to evaluate the goal. For me the goal is relationship over theological views where possible. If we can change the tone of the relationship with a person that shares an alternate view of women in ministry, that’s a win. The goal should be healthy relationships over endless debate. There is more fruit in that. (The maybe refers to those who refuse to work together or are abusive with their ideation.)

Live out loud that authentic call.

I believe it is possible to live your authentic call and for those with alternate views to receive your ministry. Not all is lost here. When they see your passion, anointing, heart of service, that will resonate with their hearts. There can be common ground established and celebrated.

Yes, this will not be the case with all.

If they are chronically antagonistic and oppositional that is a different story. Get help. Keep your integrity.

Don’t see gender bias everywhere you go.

Not every challenge you face in ministry is because you are a woman. Learn to separate and discern what is happening. I don’t know your particular situation or context, but it's more likely you will face conflict based on issues other than gender bias.

There may exist overt or covert gender bias in your context, but it's not everywhere nor everyone.

Don’t get stuck on the gender issue - - that just gets you distracted. What you feed grows. Be wise on what to starve out and what is worthy of nourishment.

How to engage or not engage someone who wants to heat up the debate and is antagonistic?

1) Don’t take the bait, you don’t have to argue or debate

2) You're not responsible to justify your calling, just live it responsibly

3) Refer them to resources if they are open to it

4) Agree to disagree, don’t get stuck in the muck

5) Ask for them to stop – if their persistence turns to harassment

6) Retain your integrity and peace

How to engage someone with genuine curiosity on the issue?

1) Engage in meaningful and respectful dialogue

2) Refer them to resources

3) Find common ground and focus on that

4) Remember, you can still work together on meaningful ministry

5) Continue to be authentic and operate out of your gifts, anointing, and calling

FOURTEEN WAYS TO COPE WITH GENDER BIAS IN MINISTRY

Lets summarize . . .

1) There will always be haters and debaters

2) Don’t be surprised – be prepared

3) Don’t get distracted – keep your focus

4) Get equipped – intentionally grow your skills

5) Know who you are and whose you are

6) Settle this issue in your heart and mind; know Biblical positions

7) Decrease vulnerability factors, increase resiliency

8) Don’t take the bait - learn what to feed and what to starve

9) Get nourished in a supportive team

10) Process the emotions – heal your heart

11) Don’t see gender bias wherever you go

12) Believe in you, and more so the One who called you

13) Don't allow abuse
14) Let’s all play nice in the sandbox together.

Support for women in ministry.

I encourage you to find support if gender bias is weighing on your heart and mind. I encourage you to get support if you have found yourself in an unsupportive place of ministry. I encourage you to get support if past injustice haunts you.

I encourage women to encourage women as I find women are harder on women than the men are. (That’s another post).

I will also encourage continued equipping and empowerment. Make a plan. What do you need to do? Who is it that can help you?

Over the years, I have heard a comment several times: Kristy you must be so supportive of women in ministry.

My response: I am supportive of called women in ministry, equipped women in ministry, and healthy women in ministry.

Women lets do our part to ensure we are called, equipped, and healthy to lead.

And I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will be faithful and bring it to completion. Philippians 1:6

Kristy

Resources:

Why Not Women

https://www.amazon.ca/Why-Not-Women-Scripture-Leadership/dp/1576581837/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=why+not+women&qid=1572007907&s=books&sr=1-1

Women In Ministry - Two Views

https://www.amazon.ca/Two-Views-Women-Ministry-Zondervan/dp/031025437X/ref=asc_df_031025437X/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=292939153820&hvpos=1o5&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14266168349222748020&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000654&hvtargid=pla-560576134682&psc=1

Fashioned to Reign

https://www.amazon.ca/Fashioned-Reign-Empowering-Fulfill-Destiny/dp/0800796195/ref=asc_df_0800796195/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=292962708716&hvpos=1o2&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11318103190855233955&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000654&hvtargid=pla-450263415801&psc=1

Birthday Banter . . . #37

It’s early Saturday morning and it feels like Christmas with the snow and my Christmas decorations up – but its my birthday.

I have already enjoyed some beautiful facebook messages. Thanks guys!

I don’t know what birthdays are like for you, but for me they are often a welcomed celebration. That could be an understatement when I was younger, I looked forward to Nov 17th with euphoric expectation and countdowns.

I’m the one in the family that likes to celebrate anything and everything. . . like a professional event planner.

When I was a wee girl, mom created beautifully decorated homemade cakes, and birthday parties with friends were special. I can remember birthdays bowling, skating, and some rockin’ dance parties with everyone dressed up in my figure skating gear. Birthdays also included a second party with my extended family, gathering for cake and gifts. I was loved and spoiled by our ‘village.’

Into my teen years I often had difficulty remembering my actual age, because I always wanted to be older. I guess that is still a problem. Getting our flu shots last week I had to yell over to Jeff to ask if I was 38 turning 39 or 37 turning 38. He said you’re 36. Haha, I’m still out of sync.

Maybe it’s because I often had older friends? Maybe it’s the existential part of me that is so serious about living out my purpose? Maybe it’s my strong visionary self that likes to dream up amazing things for the future? I tend to hope forward for the next season (though I’ve learned to also appreciate the season where my feet are planted). I’m so good at being expectant, just not expecting.

I love this part of me to be honest; the part that wants more for me and others. The part that is very tenaciously dedicated to purpose and calling. I think it’s one of my gifts. It is not about what hasn’t been, but more about what could be.

The desire to be “older” has SLOWED, slowed to a halt actually. Don’t get me wrong when I think about my accomplishments, there are many. I am proud of them. Becoming a pastor and psychotherapist are two investments that I’m grateful for. Most moments I am all go, all drive, working towards something. These moments are punctuated with other moments of wanting time to stand still. These moments are mostly organized around one unfulfilled longing of the heart. That is for family, growing my family.

My birthday reminds me of so many things I do have, hold and hope for.

It is also a reminder of what I don’t have.

Perhaps you know what it is like to have health complications that create challenges for having a family? I’ve walked beside a few women with similar challenges. We all handled it differently. For me, something I have not been highly emotional about (overall) – or resisted being emotional about (most of the time). Something I have coped with for years. I’ve been able to celebrate others births without hesitation. So thankful!

Coped well with the exception of certain triggers. Remember when we were all waiting for April the Giraffe to have her baby? Gosh – gushing emotions.

I still enjoy my birthday, but it has come to mean something more. So as it seems, the birthday pressure of another year older isn’t irrational in this case, they count.

My younger self didn’t picture myself 37 and childless.

[ You may think that took a sudden sad turn, not my intention. Let’s be hopeful together ]

I’m approaching this next year with hope!

36 was a challenge health wise.

This year has been challenging with continued Dr. apt., specialist apt. that are not always helpful. I also had surgery to remove an ovarian tumour, recovery was so much slower than anticipated. Oh and, they reported back that it was cancerous – but NOT MY CANCER?! Yes, you read that right. They had to send my tumour to a geneticist to find out if “those cells” were “my cells.” They weren’t – they were “spillage” from someone else’s sample. Waiting for those results was breath taking at moments.

Like what – this happens? Insert prayer that the other person has discovered they need treatment.

Much of my story of what those have been I have held very close and privately for years. It’s not something I have shared widely, even to this day.

Why today? Not sure. I woke up 37? (Yes, for most of my life context, its just a number, right? True. I’m youthful and vivacious. I like that word - vivacious. But when it comes to fertility – it matters).

I share a snap shot of my story to speak hope and faith into my journey and perhaps yours. Not wishful thinking, but hope in a wonderful future no matter if it looks different than you first envisioned. Not wishful thinking, but faith deeply rooted in God's love for you not matter the outcome or disappointment.

I also share it to be another voice to inspire sensitivity of women towards one another.

We can bump into some insensitive moments hey? Some are jaw dropping moments . . . you’ve probably had some of your own.

I’ve always taken the approach in my heart and mind that when someone said or did something insensitive, that it was my responsibility in how I responded or don't. For the most part, I have walked it out with acceptance and grace. I’ve managed well. Amazing, thank you Lord!

Even when someone rubbed my belly and asked if the “Dahms’" were expecting a grandchild.” I was gracious.

Even when a woman said, how dare I be a youth pastor and not have children of my own . . . ok I may have been less gracious with this one – more direct and assertive.

Even when a woman ran up to me before going on the platform to preach and said, I hear you are pregnant, I was somewhat gracious.

When the Costco greater asked when I was due – I was gracious . . . she literally ran away into the store in fear of being fired! Jeff and I laugh about this now.

People – are – so – bold! Misguided boldness.

Women friends, gal pals, I have a long list of interest, amusing, and shocking encounters. Aren't people funny? Perhaps that is another post.

I get it, I have some extra weight and PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) tends to rally it all to the mid section . . . PCOS is like a little drill sergeant that says: ok troops, gather here and stand your ground. Shout out to my PCOS cysters! Love to you. We deeply empathize with what insulin and weight loss resistance is like.

Here’s another little example that seems benign. It maybe.

So, another woman, perhaps 40 years in age, asks how old I am . . .

Upon my reply they respond, “awe, you are just a baby” or “you are so young.” (This has happened with some frequency recently, I suppose that’s why I feel it worthy to write about)

Now part of me can simply roll. I like to just roll. . . with it.

But part of me is puzzled. What does that mean? My husband is the same age as you? You are only 1000 days older than me? I could go on with questions as to why they choose to respond this way?

For me, for a woman in her late 30’s without children, you are not always feeling like a “baby” when you are without a “baby.”

So lets just be thoughtful towards one another. We’ll miss it, we’ll mess up. But let’s keep trying.

Keep trying - I smikred just re-read those words.

Here is to another birthday, and giving some little one a birthday of their own next year.

I did just say that.

Regardless of what happens, I'll continue to have a resolve to live life with deep sense of purpose and hopefully in a vivacious manner :)

I hope you will too, no matter your story!

My love to anyone with any sort of life challenge going on right now – you are more than your situation, your value is endless. Hold on to your value and values. Hold on to your faith no matter if the outcome is different that the outset of your journey.

I’ll spend the rest of the day counting my blessings, there are many.

Happy New Year!

I thought I would share the end of yesterday's blog in its own post. These questions are worth a pause to make a healthier and stronger you for 2018.

NEW YEAR INVENTORY

What would you increase?

What would you decrease?

What would you add?

What would you subtract?

What would you forgive?

What would you relinquish?

What would you be open to?

STRENGTH BASED REFLECTION QUESTIONS

Make a list of

...experiences that attributed to you joy – why were they so pleasurable?

...experience that caused pain – what was so painful?

...successes and failures – what did you learn?

...fears you have - how did you muster the courage to face them? Which ones do you still need to face?

...difficult things you overcame - how did you cope and manage to get through?

...things you pay attention to the most - pay attention to what you pay attention to and ask yourself why?

...moments that most made you laugh - what tickles your funny bone? How can you laugh more?

...physical activities that kept you moving last year - was this a benefit to your health?

...spiritual lessons/encounters/learning - how did this transform your life or thinking?

...relationships that were life giving – what qualities were in those life giving people?

...activities that bring you pleasure - how can you carve out time to do more of these?

Keep these lessons as a rich foundation for 2018.

WHAT AM I DOING TO KEEP HEALTHY IN 2018?

How will I invest in the long term health of my:

1. Body
2. Mind
3. Spirit
4. Relationships
5. Finances

KEEPING PURPOSE AND PLEASURE IN YOUR LIFE

When it comes to our mental health it is important for us to engage in pleasurable activities and to feel productive. I tell my clients, go home and do something “new or old” that brings you fulfillment, purpose and pleasure. To do that, make a list of things that you value and give you purpose. Then line up some activities that match that list.

New Year practices you may embrace and get benefit from:

- Gratitude reflections/journal
- Music/play/sing/dance/listen
- Exercise
- Walking in nature
- Coffee with a friend
- Seeking out a mentor
- Make a dream board
- Start a new study
- Join a book club
- Giving to the local food bank /soup kitchen
- Serving some seniors
- Organizing your home
- Bird watching
- Snow shoeing /Skiing
- Ice fishing
- Make a Pinterest craft
- Make a new recipe
- Writing/blogging
- Purge a closet
- Recycle an item for a new use
- Attend a paint night
- Go to a hockey game
- Watch a curling game
- Join a gym/or sports team
- Indoor walking club
- Go hear new/old band
- Volunteer somewhere new
- Visit a family member
- Rest
- Make maple syrup
- Visit a library
- Visit a museum with free Library pass
- Get support in reducing stress
- See a counsellor
- See your Pastor
- Ask how to serve your local church
- Plant a flower for your home
- Start an indoor garden
- Get a pet
- Scrapbook
- Get into genealogy
- Go for a scenic drive
- Read favorite book
- Read online articles of interest
- Relax at your favorite coffee shop

RESOLUTIONS OR RENEWAL?

Happy New Year to you!

What is your best New Year’s memory? I generally spend mine with a house full of family, games, cards, laughter and Chinese food. I will admit, these days I find it harder to be fully conscious at mid-night.

For me, a New Year has often been a time of dreaming into the future. I’m a visionary and forward orientated person, so I have a chronic passion for what can be and what is to come. Perhaps using a new year to flip a new page comes naturally to me.

Do you feel that you get a fresh start every 365 days?

Many talk about New Year’s resolutions, some make them, some break them, and some criticise the idea all together.

While I enjoy the freshness of a new calendar year, I also try to embrace a daily mindset of freshness or more accurately renewal.

To live our days and seasons with a sense of growth and renewal is so much more meaningful and effective than a New Year’s resolution, in my opinion.

While I don’t prefer a New Year’s resolution in itself, I do prefer living on purpose with a purpose.
I want to make sure that I’m living and not just alive; living and not just on autopilot.

Living with purpose takes an intentionality that requires reflection, planning, goals and support. Those are slightly different that New Year’s resolutions that are often lofty, too big, and so grandiose that it’s unlikely we will ever achieve them. Consistent smaller life choices lead to lasting change.

How many resolutions have you managed to keep?

The stats on New Year’s resolutions from the business insider are that 80% of our resolutions fail by February. That’s four weeks!

Another stat from the Huffington Post is that only 8% of people make the change they set out for in January.

Most of us abandon our resolutions and feelings of failure or defeat drive the person closer to the “thing or person or habit” they wanted to change in the first place. The odds seem to be against us in the realm of resolutions. Amazing that for such low stats on success, that it is still seen as a worthy pursuit?

“Resolutions are a wonderful thing if we can keep them, but many resolutions go by the wayside because we have not done anything different with our mindset.” Monica Johnson

Did you know that NY resolutions are not something of modern day? It’s a tradition that is said to have been around since 153 B.C.

January is named after a mythical Roman god and his name was Janus. It is said that Janus had two faces; one that looked backward to the past, and one that looked forward to the future. As the Roman tradition went, they thought that Janus looked both backwards and forwards on December 31st. This become a time where the Romans made promises to self and others for the New Year. In this time of reflecting, they had a strong emphasis on forgiving their enemies and grievances from the year past.
Now that’s a worthy resolution. That sort of inner reflection and inner work creates renewal!

Renewal means this . . .

1. Making something new/fresh
2. Resuming something after an interruption
3. Repairing something damaged, wore out, burned out
4. Improving something or making more useful
5. A process and a state of being

It’s much more comprehensive and meaningful than a grandiose resolution; it’s a way of living.

Renewal is about a mental, physical, relational, and spiritual health check.

Maybe the pop culture evolution of New Year’s resolutions took us away from the real work that creates lasting change: renewing one’s mind, making resolution to chaos in one’s heart through forgiveness and restitution.

I like Benjamin Franklin’s take on the New Year, “Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every New Year find you a better man [woman].”

To find yourself a better woman next year will require on ongoing process of renewal.

If we shifted our mindset from resolutions to a life of renewal, we would be wiser, healthier and happier.

Renewal focuses on healthy thinking, being present, being grateful, self-acceptance, compassionate living and daily spiritual growth. The biblical perspective of renewal encourages us to renew our minds. We become more of who and what we are destined to be through renewal. Scripture also teaches us that we are a new Creation when we find our life and faith in Jesus. Inner renewal is the key to the outer change we so crave. Inner spiritual renewal leads to healthier hearts, emotions, relationships and life choices.

Sometimes to get ourselves off autopilot, or out of unhealthy patterns of behaviors we need to start with our mindset: perspectives, thought patterns, fear, anxiety, negativity etc. We often need a reminder that renewal in our lives not just a practical check list, but also spiritual process that involved God's truth and His Spirit at work in our lives.

Remember as you step into 2018 that the Lord cares for you. His mercies are new every morning. He makes all things new. Most of all, a life with Him is the ability to live a life of renewal.

Kristy

LOOKING FOR PRACTICAL TIPS – KEEP READING

End of Year Inventory . . .

What would you increase?
What would you decrease?
What would you add?
What would you subtract?
What would you forgive?
What would you relinquish?
What would you be open to?

Make a list of experiences that attributed to you joy – why were they so pleasurable?

Make a list of experience that caused pain – what was so painful?

Make a list of success and failure – what did you learn?

Make a list of difficult things you overcame - how did you cope and manage to get through?

Make a list of the relationships that were life giving – what qualities were in those life giving people?

When it comes to our mental health it is important for us to engage in pleasurable activities and to feel productive. I tell my clients, go home and do something “new or old” that brings you fulfillment, purpose and pleasure. To do that, make a list of things that you value and give you purpose. Then line up some activities that match that list.

New Year practices you may embrace and get benefit from:

- Gratitude reflections/journal
- Music/play/sing/dance/listen
- Exercise
- Walking in nature
- Coffee with a friend
- Seeking out a mentor
- Make a dream board
- Start a new study
- Join a book club
- Giving to the local food bank /soup kitchen
- Serving some seniors
- Organizing your home
- Bird watching
- Snow shoeing /Skiing
- Ice fishing
- Make a Pinterest craft
- Make a new recipe
- Writing/blogging
- Purge a closet
- Recycle an item for a new use
- Attend a paint night
- Go to a hockey game
- Watch a curling game
- Join a gym/or sports team
- Indoor walking club
- Go hear new/old band
- Volunteer somewhere new
- Visit a family member
- Rest
- Make maple syrup
- Visit a library
- Visit a museum with free Library pass
- Get support in reducing stress
- See a counsellor
- See your Pastor
- Ask how to serve your local church
- Plant a flower for your home
- Start an indoor garden
- Get a pet
- Scrapbook
- Get into genealogy
- Go for a scenic drive
- Read favorite book
- Read online articles of interest
- Relax at your favorite coffee shop

NOT GOOD ENOUGH TRAPS

There is a lot of bait out there to lure us into the trap of self-doubt, or self-debasing. We seem to fall for it over and over again, until pain or problems point it out.

What baits you into feeling “less than,” or “lacking?”

At some point along the way, you have likely had thoughts and feels of self-doubt in one or all of the four areas I will list below.

I don’t want to be a negative nelly here, because I do believe there are wonderfully confident and capable women out there. But even those women, if openly vulnerable, would confess to working through these 4 traps of, “not enough.”

What words would you use to describe those feelings that nip at your confidence?

Not Enough: skimpy, insufficient, damaged, incomplete, second string, lacking, unassembled, weak, faulty, undone, lacking, unsure, scattered etc.

Why is it that we so easily gravitate to negatives about ourselves over positives? Or truth over lies?

I was working with a young man a couple weeks ago that was feeling very uncomfortable with people in public looking at him. He found this increased after getting new glasses. He thought they judged his new glasses looked "ugly." I inquired, did you ever consider that they may actually like your new funky glasses?! .....No

P.S. The most powerful words, are the words no one hears, they are the words you speak to yourself.

We weaponize our thoughts, with negative perceptions of what we think other people are thinking. (re-read that again)

“Negative self-perceptions repeated overtime will brand themselves into our minds and eventually become reality.” ~ Sharon Jaynes

What is your brand?

What have you branded yourself with that is etched into your inner life that holds back your outer life? Need a re-brand?

Time to get wise to the bait, the trap and the lies.

The BIG four areas we can feel “not enough” are our ability, body, identity, and relationships.

1)    ABILITY – what we can do is not enough

Self-doubt can override our true giftedness. Instead of using and growing in our gifts, skills, interests we say – “I could never do that.” I can’t. I’m only ___________. I can’t do that job, help that person, make that money etc. There are more voices telling us we can’t, than we can, so we often settle for can’t. Time to take the “T” off of can’t.

2)    BODY – how we look is not enough

I hate the way I ___________. I wish I could change this _______ part of my body. If only I were 20 lbs lighter. Why do I have cellulite? The Kellogg’s commercial tells us that 97% of women, “have an I hate by body moment” every day. Well ladies, that is likely true, and so sad. I love how they challenge us to “proudly own it all.” Yes!

3)    IDENTITY – who we are inside is not enough

Your self-concept can be made-up of restrictive labels. Maybe we live out what someone else has labeled us through criticism, abuse, or bullying. Maybe we have allowed fear to dictate our self-image. Somehow, we can feel like we are the “wrong kind” of person.

4)    RELATIONSHIPS – how we share ourselves is not enough

We feel like we don’t give enough as mom, friend, or wife, etc. In this area we can see all four at play: The feeling that “I will be loved only if I am _____.”Then I change my body to be more like this, my identity to be more like that, so that I can be love by___________.

Why?

There are many reasons girls and women become prey for these four traps. A cocktail of childhood, upbringing, culture, trauma, rejection, stress, media, stereotypes, and so on. Often our messages we absorb from parents, teachers and peers when we are young can wound us unintentionally, or intentionally leaving us with feelings of inadequacy. We can then become shy, avoidant, dismissive or overcompensate for our inner beauty and skill sets.

We can withdraw, or over engage in performance and perfectionism traps to prove that we are enough. Both are unhealthy spectrums of behavior.

Reclaiming identity, first comes by identifying. Identifying where the warp is.

Lets get real . . .

We all have weaknesses, right?
We all have strengths, right?
We all are unique, right?

Why not identify all of those areas and be real about it - but not allow yourself to get raw about it.

Instead of allowing a true area of weakness or a perceived (not actual) area of weakness become your undoing - just being real and employ self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-love!

The areas you are actually not enough:
1) Lean on your tribe and village - lean on love and loved ones
2) Figure out if there is growth possible | needed - learn how to build your skill or self-esteem
3) Allow God to be enough where you are not - pray, trust, seek, receive comfort and peace

In the areas you are enough - but irraitonal thoughts and feelings are taking over:
1) Identify thought traps - become self-aware, it is the start to disempowering your inner bully
2) Challenge those thoughts with evidence - take an objective | rational look at toxic thoughts
3) Utilize trust friend, mentor, counsellor - uproot a core belief of inadequacy

Proverbs 23:7 says, they way you think about yourself, is the way you are or become.

We need to reclaim our God image and see how God sees. His love will light up our lives every time! His truth will lighten our dark spots in our minds and hallways of our hearts. Just try seeing yourself through the eyes of the one who created us - and said we were very good.

Robert MaGee says in his books, Search for Significance:

“One of the biggest steps we can take forward in constantly glorifying God and walking in peace and joy with our heavenly father is to recognize the deceit that held us captive, Satan’s lies distort our real perspective warp our thoughts and produce painful emotions. If we cannot identify those lies, then it is very likely we will continue to be defeated by them.”

Why are you good enough?

Even when we feel weak, even when we are unsure, and even when we are a hot mess - we can be enough.

Here's why. . .

There are a lot of ways we could look at worth. But let me go big picture value.

Forever speaks value: the truth is we are good enough because of the one who created us said we are VERY GOOD (Genesis 1:31).

God loves us, we are made in His image/likeness, and as a believer, His Holy Spirit lives in you. God who is good occupies you! The more our hearts and attitudes align with His - the greater sense of worth we have.

The designer gave us immense value – in fact eternal value. He offers us abundant life (John 10:10) that is not just for now, but forever. So we are never tossed away, we never expire, we never are used up, we never cease to be God’s precious daughter. He created us to be loved, and He committed all of His love to us on a forever scale.

FOREVER loves speaks of the highest value.

Us + Jesus = enough.

From the start to the never ending story of our lives . . . He's willing to fill us up with what we need to be enough.

"My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

When we feel like we are not enough or have had enough, God says - daughter, I am enough for all your worries, doubts, fears, and feelings of lack.

I AM enough and I made you enough - together we are unstoppable.

Its the divine partnership of father and daughter that makes us enough. He created us and called us good, and He adds His goodness to our hearts daily if we invite Him in to each moment.

Shaking off feelings of “not enough:”

1)    Recognize – lies
2)    Replace – with truth
3)    Resist - traps
4)    Rinse - emotions
5)    Renew - mind
6)    Reclaim – confidence
7)    Refresh – dreams
8)    Risk - rejection
9)    Repeat

If you know the truth, the truth will set you free. John 8:32

Time to get wise to the bait, the trap and the lies. Let your BRAND be your TRUE U.

(Repost From May 2016)

Am I really “#blessed?”

Have you seen it? The #blessed trend on social media? Of course you have.

#Soblessed #blessed #blessings

Apparently, facebook and twitter have a lot of blessed people.

I’ll give you a couple examples . . .

I have frequently seen people posting selfies with their startbucks with hashtag “blessed.” (If you have done this, just take a moment and giggle ok?)

A mom of a potty training toddler, who just took a poopy in the potty – hashtag “#blessed.”

Folks with exciting news about their new boat | car | cottage #blessed

People talking about how awesome their lives are with combine hashtags - “#humblebrag and #soblessed”

Recently, I have even observed a conversation where a few women seemed to be competing as to which one was more “#blessed,” and it could have aired as an episode on Jimmy Kimmel. The ridiculousness and hilarity was screen worthy.

Perhaps you get the picture . . .

These usages tend to cause me pause - - -it is one of those things that make me go “hummm.”

This post may be a couple years late . . . because that is how long this hashtag has been bothering me (joking |not joking). Today is the day I feel to give myself and all of us a reminder as to the broader picture of blessing.

So what does it mean to be blessed?

It seems that most of these tweets and hashtags are linked to “the good life,” success, beauty, or material gain.

Sometimes it just seems like less of giving gratitude to God and more about self-advertising, self-centered living.

Again. . . . things that make me go “hummm.”

Is that all there is to blessing? I mean, I’m all for gratitude, and I’m a pretty excitable person myself – but is that the only way we perceive blessing?

Let me ask you before you read further, do you “count your blessings?” If you do, what is usually on that list? What is usually on the top of that list?

In the New Testament there are over 100 references to blessing and none of them seem to be linked to material gain.

There are a couple words used for blessed or blessing in the scriptures.

1) Barak (OT, Hebrew) – blessed of God, of men, of things, of fruit of the womb
2) Esher (OT, Hebrew) – happiness
3) Makarioi (NT, Greek) – receive God’s benefits, to be fully satisfied, to receive favor regardless of circumstance, something that draws us closer to God

Let’s take a look at these verses to enlarge our perspective of blessing:

1) “Even more blessed are those who hear God’s Word and guard it with their lives!” Luke 11:28 MSG
2) Blessed are those who’s sin and disobedience are forgiven. Romans 4:7
3) Blessed are those who face trouble and trials. James 1:2

Jesus most popular sermon was on blessing . . . Matthew 5:3-12 MSG

3 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God . . .

4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you . . .

5 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought. . . .

6 “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat. . .

7 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for. . .

8 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. . .

9 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family. . .

10 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom. . .

11-12 “Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do!

Savor that ^

And again ^

Why blessed with such a harsh list? These draw us and compel us into closer relationship with God. This list also reveals God through us!

#blessed!

This paints for us a broader picture of blessing than we often consider or are comfortable with.

Blessings are not just externals but about a deep internal work in our hearts and character.

When you pray blessing on someone – you are not just praying for provision or protection – it is about their PERSON too!

Might I go as far to say a major BLESSING God has for us is to freely and fully become the person He has designed us to be - our TRUE U?!

Those of you who have children - do you enjoy constant give me give me rants? Not really eh? But you do take joy in giving to your children who are grateful? Even more than that I'm sure you are ecstatic to teach and instill good character to your children as they grow?

Why do we think our father only wants to bless us with "stuff." He wants to bless us more so with SUBSTANCE of character.

Oh I do believe that God can bless us with provision and protection. I do pray God would bless us with both. I do not want to diminish his provision and protection in our lives, but I do want to highlight and expansion of blessings that we often fail to consider as blessing.

How often do you go to the beatitudes in Matthew 5 as a check list for blessing?
Sometimes things that were meant to bless can be seen as a curse.

There can be a challenge, conflict, or criticism in your life that can transform you if you invite God into that pain. If we allow Him to teach us through trial there is transformation and blessing. If He is not with us through challenge, conflict, and criticism they can become the things that undo us.

Is some of our “unwellness” because we have not yet considered trials and trouble as an opportunity for blessing? Have you invited God into that pain and process?

I challenge our hearts to go beyond a style of prayer where we treat God like a genie in the bottle – with a bless me attitude that is selfish.

Let’s expand our view of blessing from mere material gain to ask ourselves these question:

1) What is God using to draw me closer to Him? (Perhaps something | circumstance I have rejected or avoided and causing greater pain?)

2) How is God working in me so that I can reveal His presence to others? (Where is there a challenge that is actually producing apparent goodness and growth rather than toxins in my life? Are there toxins because you are self-sufficiently #blessed rather than God’s presence with you and working in you #blessed?)

3) Where can I be a blessing that impacts others? (Do I hoard blessings or do I pass them on?)

Blessings can also come in the form of challenge, conflict, criticism and as we draw near to God in those times we are blessed with his presence. This is all so that through our challenge, conflict, and criticism we can reveal Jesus to those around us.

That is the biggest #blessed #soblessed #blessing there is.

"The degree of blessing enjoyed by any man will correspond exactly with the completeness of God’s victory over him."

A. W. Tozer