TRUE U

BECAUSE A GIRL CAN LEAD . . . . PART I

(*Disclaimer…I am not making politic statements or supporting any political party or movement in my comments below. It is drawing out more generalized statements on relationships, leadership and behaviors. So calm down, grab a tea, and lets be nice girls, not mean girls. These are fairly quick thoughts – but stay tuned for more refined thoughts on “TRUE EMPOWERMENT – ME vs. WE Empowerment” - next week.)

As I am crafting new blog posts what true empowerment looks like for our girls – I reflect on these raw election results.

While many other countries in the world have had female leadership already, the US has not. Hilary almost grasped it last night. I think she thought she had grasped it. (I wonder what today is like for her – remember whatever your view, she is human. A human with great pant suits, but human none the less.)

Many are still shocked at the reality of this political defeat this morning. For many, it is a hard reality to accept across faith, gender, race, and political ~~lines.~~ (Ew, too much CNN, I didn’t like the use of the word “lines” – insert “views”.)

Truthfully, Hilary as a person has resonated with me time to time. I’m not talking politics, or alleged corruption, but as a fellow woman. Being a woman in leadership in a male dominated space, I could recognize moments she experienced strife specific to her gender in leadership. So I have some empathy for her as a person. But those observations are for another post.

In this intense political race, I've seen various Hilary supporters stating their reason for supporting her was so that girls could have a female role model of a woman in the highest office.

I agree with would be awesome! I also understand these sentiments come from a good place. But while sorting through that excitement, I believe we should still focus on selecting leaders based on qualification not gender.

Did I just say that when I realize that is not what we woke up to this am?

Yes.

Because the message of empowerment still has to be that: fair leadership appointments are based on skill, heart, integrity, hard work, and overall qualifications. Or should be. That still should be the standard even if not the reality.

We can’t merely choose a candidate based on gender. Even if we are cheering for the ladies!

A better expression for a Hilary supporter would be: I am choosing her because of her qualifications, experience, and skills – with a side order of go girl.

Imagine if the men were still going around saying dudes vote for dudes because they are dudes. (Wait that still happens). But we don't need to do the same.

So what am I saying?

•    We need to teach there is still an appropriate standard of leadership for a woman or a man - despite the sad display in the US on both sides.
•    We still need to teach our girls that we can’t select leaders based on gender or based on making history.
•    We need to teach them how to be good leaders, how to grow in gifts, skills, wellness, emotional intelligence, and how to have confidence.
•    We need to explain injustices happen in life.

We need to teach them that thought one lady didn't win her race last night doesn't mean they can`t win theirs today.

Let’s tell them we won’t go backwards, we will help create room for them to go forwards.

Empowerment still says – don’t cheat, work hard, treat people with compassion, be yourself, surround yourself with good support systems, find good resources, follow your dream up with some substance in preparation. Empowerment says, you have value, gifts, intelligence, and beauty. When you get knocked down – get back up. When there is a road block, don’t give up. When you feel like quitting – find a fresh voice to speak hope. When you don’t “win” – find another avenue to use your gifts and shine!

I often say to women at our TRUE U events I wish that we didn't have to teach and reteach on women's God given value, worth, equality and potential. That should be understood. That should be their experience. But the reality is that we need to remind ourselves of these things.

Let us women continue to teach, lead, model, and empower our girls to develop good their true u, their gifts, and confidence to rise above life challenges. I get excited about seeing this potential unleashed!

Let us women keep raising intelligent, skilled, integral girls with a lot of courage, tenacity and big hearts.

Let us women teach the richest and hardest life lessons: how leading well will come from loving well: loving their God, loving themselves, and loving their neighbour. Let’s teach them to overcome evil with good. Teach them when to celebrate and when to grieve - and how to heal and keep going!

Our girls need to know that God is still with them even when the unqualified little bully boy wins the class president - when they were more qualified.

Let’s teach her success is being a good person! Let’s teach her that she can be successful, not necessarily because she is a girl - but a person with great purpose and promise.

Shine little one – go lead where your gifts better this world and reveal God’s goodness.

“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” Matthew 5: 14-16

Erasing Entitlement

Last week hurricane Matthew threatened the Florida cost. This category 4 storm was predicted to flood coastal residential areas. So naturally, people stocked up at their local stores and went inland. As the storm passed it wasn’t as harsh as it was forecasted for many. One couple, who had bought a large amount of supplies, went back to the store to return food, generators, and supplies they didn’t use. They expected the store to accommodate them.

In a recent news story, there were two twenty year something siblings that took their mother to court. She wasn’t providing for them as well as their billionaire father. They took a lawsuit against her for 1) not sending care packages to college, 2) sending a birthday card without money in it 3) and did not buy a homecoming dress for the daughter.

This is the ugly face of entitlement.

Self-entitlement seems to be on the rise these days. There is a not so loving term for millennials, they have been called the, “ME ME ME generation” or "i-gen." Some criticize their fascination with selfies, high expectations of others, and reported low worth ethic. Fairly or unfairly - they have been broadly painted as a self-centred group.

Dave Ramsey says this, “There's a whole generation growing up thinking...the government exists to care for them.”

A Florida University professor assigned his students an essay question in which they had 10 minutes to respond. He asked them, “What does the American dream mean to you?” Their responses surprised and concerned him.

Over 80% of the class said the American Dream was about government providing the amenities for them to live comfortably including:

•    Free tuition and healthcare
•    Money for a house
•    Money for a comfortable retirement
•    Money for vacations

Instead of talking about working hard, taking responsibility with opportunities you are given, they responded – someone else give me, give me, give me.

“When we replace a sense of service and gratitude with a sense of entitlement and expectation, we quickly see the demise of our relationships, society, and economy.” ― Steve Maraboli,

Sense of entitlement is defined as: an unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others. It always craves for more.

It is the self-invite.

It’s the person who shoves you off your spot at the table.

It is the cutting in the line of life.

It is the stepping on someone’s back to get ahead instead.

It is the taking of other people’s ideas or gifts and using them as your own.

Why are employers, teachers, coaches, pastors reporting such an increase in the epidemic of entitlement?

Many of us work so hard as parents, teachers, and even pastors to tell people they are special. I am a cheerleader of people and their potential – so I enjoy spurring others on towards the fullness of a life well lived. There is a place for that! However, we need to balance the message of individuality with the added emphasis on community, work ethic and the need to value others.

We could examine cultural and main stream media’s contribution to the ME ME ME instant gratification issue – but there is another big factor being examined as well. That is current parent trends in North America.

A big factor: parenting.

There have been some recent studies suggesting that the root of entitlement can grow out of a feeling of helplessness and unproductive living. This is sparked by overcompensating parents and an under developing child/parent relationship.

In an article found in The New Yorker anthropologist Carolina Izquierdo conducted a study examining the mindsets of today’s young adults and their unique combination of narcissism and learned helplessness.

She spent time with parents and children in other countries and cultures. She found that there was a great contrast in regards to parenting and the expectations of their children. The contrast became evident specifically in their approach to early learning of skills and productivity.

For example, parents in Peru empowered their children at a young age to do chores, taught them to catch fish and cook them, expected them to clean the house, and asked them to go to the market and help the family as a normative behavior without praise.

In contrast, she saw that in American families, parents did menial chores for children and had very little training or expectation of the children resulting in a combine feeling of helplessness and entitlement.

This learned helplessness was created due to a restriction from developing skills to do tasks for themselves, thus, robbing them of the enjoyment of productivity and making contributions.

This cycle then turned into an expectation for parents and for others to provide a high level of care. Even though the child grew older in age, they did not grow in maturity and independence as hoped.

The message was two-fold: you can’t do this, you don’t have to do this – I’ll do it for you.

The observation was a generation of parents desperately wanting their children to succeed while raising them in a way that is counterproductive. Their desire to enable resulted in disabling.

“You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.”
― Abraham Lincoln

Parents can engage in this style of parenting for many reasons: keeping up with the Jones’, feelings of inadequacy or guilt, pride of being the “perfect” parent, its what their parents did/didn't do, out of a desire to be a good parent, or to save time rather than teach a skill and so on.

Their efforts are producing the opposite desired results.

So now we find parents needing to be empower to parent differently, who are mistakenly disempowering their children.

They are giving into the myth mentality that the more you give your children, the better parent you are and the better off they will be. All this leading to the message that they are entitled to receive most anything without cost, effort, work, manners, sharing, or giving back.

Denese from Off The Grid News says, “This continual cycle of protecting children from responsibility and “saving time” by taking over chores that children should be learning to do is building Generation Me into a group of young adults who don’t know how to take care of themselves, lack ambition, and have grown up believing that their sheltered upbringing means that they are above-average. Clearly, not everyone can be above average, especially in a generation where most members have never learned household responsibility or personal motivation.”

If this persists into through childhood and adolescence the internalized message of that child may be, “I am, therefore give to me.” Children become entitled when they get overlay praised for tasks they should be doing as a part of daily living. This also maybe an contributing factor for the observations of psychologists who suggest that adolescence is now being observed until the age of 25.

An entitlement posture cares only about their own desires and needs at the expense of other people or they may habitually prioritize their own needs.

12 Symptoms of entitlement

Kate Tempest says, “Taking things for granted is a terrible disease. We should all be checking ourselves regularly for signs of it.” I agree – we need checkups for symptoms of this disease are all prone to.

1.    Belief that one deserves happiness and will attain it at other people’s expense.
2.    Attention seeking in unhealthy ways – cravings for adoration.
3.    One thinks they are not responsible – someone else is, and I will reap the benefits.
4.    One may want all the credit, and none of the blame in a given situation.
5.    Exaggerated demands on family, friends, children or employees.
6.    A person fixated on own needs and do not consider the needs of others.
7.    One who is a taker in relationships and creates an unfair advantage.
8.    They have to have their way; compromise is not something they will consider.
9.    They assert themselves in situations as to have the best outcome for them, even if others disagree.
10.    They may take moral licensing – rules do not apply to you, but you enforce them on others.
11.    They feel put out if family or friends ask them for small favors.
12.    They freeload, taking from others, or expecting special care, treatment, or provision from others.

Entitlement can enmesh with someone’s brokenness, worldview or mental health issue and show up in many behaviors such as:

•    A person who shows up at a party uninvited
•    Parents who demand impractical special treatment for their kids
•    A teenager who gets a speeding ticket and expects their parents to pay for it
•    A young girl who bullies other girls into doing what she wants
•    A college male who coheres young women into relationships at his whim
•    A spouse who spends a generous amount of money on themselves at detriment to their family
•    A teen demanding to be a starter on the sports team that has not earned the spot
•    The student who gets a deserved poor mark and asks for a higher one
•    The person who demands the best office space without considering their colleagues
•    The person not working as hard as others on a project excepting them to pick up the slack.

Or as Michael Scott may put it: I want none of the blame, and all of the credit.

Solutions

1.    Self-awareness:

If we can’t see how and why we do things or do not do things, we can’t grow. Self-awareness is a factor in health and wholeness. It is defined as: conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. So it is imperative that parents develop self-awareness in their parenting, but also teach self-awareness to their children. A question to answer at any age: why would we avoid taking responsibility for our own lives and expect others to give us special privileges?

2.    Evaluate expectations:

We need to be able to look at our expectations of ourselves, family, friends, school, church, government etc. Do we have over inflated expectations that others can’t live up to. Do we have inflated expectations for privilege that are not for others to fulfill in the first place?

3.    Teaching skills:

Parents, teachers, coaches, counsellors, pastors need to teach life skills, emotional coping, and how to take responsibility for one’s life. We can model, set tone, instruct and give opportunity for our children and students to grow into responsible adults. Teaching is different than doing tasks for someone, its empowering them to do the tasks themselves.

4.    Setting limits:

Part of combating entitlement is being able to acknowledge limits. We need to see what kind of limits we have put on ourselves, when we have put limits on others. Healthy emotions and relationships exist within the context of healthy limits. Entitlement actually limits one’s ability to fully and freely care for themselves by expecting privilege to compensate for their self-importance or lack of motivation.

5.    Engage Earning Activities:

Perhaps we are so sensitive about showing unconditional love to our kids, that we miss the piece about earning respect, trust, money, position, and privilege. We need to create space for children to learn skills, do chores, learn self-care of all sorts, and how to work for means.

6.    Cultivate Gratitude:

Gratitude is the sword that pierces through entitlement. Dr. Brene Brown says this way, “What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude.” Instead of expecting something, being grateful for it when it comes provides life with much more joy. Gratitude for a supper made, a vacation, summer camp, being on a sports team, new job, good friends etc., will help guard against taking advantage of something or someone.

7.    Engage in Giving:

It is so important to be a part of sharing life with others in community and that means giving of yourself: time, energy, friendship, service, and money. It’s important to model serving others and engaging in altruistic opportunities, that is, to give to something without return.

The next step of modelling is to teach our children and students to look for altruistic opportunities in which they can extend themselves in helpful service.

We could take a deeper look at what scripture says about all this. Entitlement is the opposite to what Jesus taught us. But Paul writes these words to our hearts:

"Let nothing be done out of strife or conceit, but in humility let each esteem the other better than himself. Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Let this mind be in you all, which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped. But He emptied Himself, taking upon Himself the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men. And being found in the form of a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross" (Phil. 2:3-8).

“God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.” James 4:6 MSG

Those who are married may have this shared experience – I can almost guarantee it!

Women can share stories and calendars only to have their significant other say – you never told me that?! Or, you share a beloved “to do” list that your spouse isn’t particularly interested in – and they tune you out. Like your words just fall out of your mouth on the floor. (P.S. this is not a reflection of Jeff…on the basis that he told me when we first got married, he was not going to accept “to do” lists! Ha! True).

We women peg men for adopting the gift of selective hearing – but really, it can be an issue for us too.

I talk a lot about things we SHOULD NOT listen to. We just finished a SHAME OFF U seminar last week, where we looked at toxic shame, and the story it tells us about our-selves. We do often need a re-write on that story that affects our identity. We need not listen to lies, toxins, or tapes inside our head that destroy our self-image and self-esteem.

BUT

We can set ourselves up for stagnant personal growth with this tendency:

not listening.

John Wayne would say, “You're short on ears and long on mouth.”

Earth shattering I know.

It is translated: that’s what I wanted to hear, so that’s what I’m going to listen to

There are things we need to listen to and often ignore. That default pattern can cause us to deny our need for personal, emotional or relational growth as well.

But we often stay deaf to some things we don’t want to hear – and have laser focus on what affirms something we don’t want to change.

I’m not saying rise to someone’s unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying to bend to someone’s “gottcha” unjust harsh criticism. I’m not saying to tune back into the toxins you have worked to tune out. Those we gotta tune out!

But we can listen to the wrong things that are disguised as positive or harmless. It can be trickier than identifying the negative voice we listen to.

Sometimes our stubborn hearts are selective about the truth that it applies. It hears but does not listen.

I’m ok.

That doesn’t apply to me?

I love that truth – patting it like a cute puppy with a slight condescension. Smile, flick of the hair, meanwhile walking away from it empty-hearted.

1 Timothy 4:3 [MSG] says, “You’re going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food—catchy opinions that tickle their fancy. They’ll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages. But you—keep your eye on what you’re doing; accept the hard times along with the good; keep the Message alive; do a thorough job as God’s servant.”

This is about: Spiritual junk food. Catchy opinions. Things that tickle your fancy.

Another translation says – we filter our hearing with itchy ears. Itchy for something to justify a part of us that does need change, truth, love, or cleansing.

There is a story about a man had just put the finishing touches on a fresh concrete driveway. He went inside to enjoy a glass of lemonade when, to his horror, he saw his little neighbor boy playing in the fresh concrete. He went outside and yelled angrily at the boy. After he had fixed the concrete and come back inside, his wife said, “Why did you yell at him? I thought you loved little boys.” The man replied, “I love little boys in the abstract, but I don’t like them in the concrete.”

We like the idea of truth – we like to observe some of God’s instructions from afar. When truth gets specific to us and our heart condition – it seems imposing on our lives.

Some psychologists speak of a willful blindness [deafness]: where we are selective about the information we pay attention to. Willful blindness according to is an emotional coping we use to remain “unseeing” in situations. According to Margaret Heffernan willful blindness is, “where we could know, and should know, but don’t know because it makes us feel better not to know.”

Our human capacity is not wired to take in all information that surrounds us 24/7. So we edit and are selective about what see and understand. This can be sub-conscious and conscious efforts. We mostly admit the information that makes us feel great about ourselves, while conveniently leaving out whatever pushes against our pride. This means – maybe we are missing out on valuable and transformative truths for our hearts and spiritual health.

What do you strive not to see or hear?

What messages can you identify that affirm something deep down you know you have avoided getting real about?

Areas we usually exercise willful blindness or deafness in areas of our lives that we feel overwhelmed to address, accept or change. We often avoid fully accepting truth because we fear of conflict, change, feelings inadequacy, or admitting that we need help.

Truth can first feel uncomfortable if it pairs with the need for personal change and growth.

So . . . as Charles Swindol would say, when you listen, listen slowly.

Don’t tune out God’s truth. Embrace what He says is good for you, and allow Him to protect you from what would harm you. That's what truth does . . . it heals, restores and sets you free.

Stop band-aiding a part of your life by telling yourself what you want to hear – or listening to what you want to hear instead of hearing what you need to listen to.

Make a list of the selective hearing - that is feasting on spiritual junk food and catchy opinions. Line it up with truth - it will lighten your load.

Because in all things – the truth sets us free. Galatians 5:1

“To ease another’s heartache is to forget one’s own.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Have you turned on a news channel recently?

Oh my heart!

I have sat with tears many times recently at the loss of precious life. I don’t know those moms and dads that have lost a son, or father - but I feel pain for them and wish I could just hold them.

Last night, Newt Gingrich summarized the noted terror attacks in the past 37 days and it was jarring. Between senseless shootings, bombings, racism, famine, bullying, economies collapsing, diseases, political games, political lies, we see the worst humanity has to offer often in front of our eyes.

CCN tells a lot of stories of gloom – of desperation.

This world has some profound challenges. A recent survey in the U.S. showed that counselling appointments for anxiety has skyrocketed. The intake services report that people are anxious about world events and personal safety.

The gloom can pile up and become a heavy reality. The world is looking for an answer. After the tragic events over the past couple weeks, I have seen so many people speak openly about their need for God, quoting scripture and praying.

It seems two things are happening at once: 1) people’s faith is being tested and 2) the need for faith is being ignited.

Faith doesn’t become faith until it meets trial and you have to t trust through pain or darkness. C.S. Lewis paint this picture of faith, “You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth of falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?”

It is not just desperation around the world, but I hear many stories of desperation with people in my world. The hope is being squashed, goodness is being polluted, and goodwill is being emptied.

Desperation is: loss of hope - surrender to defeat - resulting in rash behavior or withdrawl

Jodi Picoult says, “The desperate usually succeed because they have nothing to lose.”

Having nothing to lose is a deception that desperation brings. There is always something and someone to life for, become healthy for, to fight for.

Desperation sometimes brings you back to a point where you know you need something you can’t find within yourself. It helps us recognize the finite fragility of life. C.S. Lewis says, “When you have realized that our position is nearly desperate you will begin to understand what the Christians are talking about.” We need God in our lives; we are so insufficient without Him.

At the root of desperation is a lack of hope. A heart without hope grows sick (Prov 13:12). Hope is part of the answer to all this mess, specifically hope and faith in God. But there is more required: a tangible expression of that hope and faith.

It is not simply global issues that need an infusion of hope, but our personal lives. We can go to dark places and we can get stuck in ourselves.

We need to be altruistic in times of atrocities. To provide to each other a hospitality that breaths hope.

We must choose GOODWILL over GLOOM.

Goodwill: being actively friendly, expressing kindness, taking action for the benefit of someone else.

OVER

Gloom: being stuck in darkness, becoming paralyzed or detached

This is a time where men and women need to be actively working for the good of others.
Jesus most profound and perhaps challenging command was to “love your neighbor as yourself.” I say it is challenging because I think people find it hard to fully and freely love others. The reason? They have not first fully applied the unconditional love of God to their own lives. First apply the unconditional love of God to your life (truly that is something to meditate on and continue to grow in understanding and experience), and then freely give that unconditional love to the person in front of you, next to you, above you and below you.

Martin Luther penned these powerful words, “Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”

Goodwill is the glue that sticks family and community together. It’s a healer and unifier.

I think that history, Scripture and our own experiences demonstrate that selfless acts in service towards another person, is an act that brings life to both people. We need to get excited about someone's needs getting met, and someone's heart getting filled up. That selfless act also fills up your heart too!

Practicing goodwill will increase your well-being as well as the person you are showing kindness to.

If each one of us acted on this Biblical principle – we would change the atmosphere in communities and life levels of depression and anxiety in our own lives. Did you know that after 9/11 the New York city crime rate plummeted to an all-time low. Why? Because they chose good will over gloom. Goodwill became the glue that bonded them together. The people were so focused on helping each other, their sense of community grew strong. That sense of purpose and belonging led to greater security and safety.

Even as I close this post, I saw two women of two different ethnicities, in deep political disagreement, hug one another and say I love you. So beautiful!

Let us not be suffocated by desperation and surrender to defeat. We can take action in our family, workplace, and community choosing goodwill over gloom.

Be creative, be kind, be free!

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” ― John Bunyan

For our hearts:

1.    Break out of desensitization and come back to the point where you believe that life is PRECIOUS and a gift.
2.    See the unique and innate value in others and seek to appreciate differences.
3.    If HOPE is being squandered by focusing on stress/problems, refocus to the source of HOPE so that your heart may be well, and you will not act rashly with your life.
4.    Examine your levels of empathy – are they being depleted by the gloom in the world or your own world? (Empathy: the ability to share someone else's feelings/experiences with a kindness and goodwill towards them).
5.    Have you defined, “who is my neighbor?”
6.    Have you accepted God’s unconditional love? You cannot give what you have not received.
7.    Is your desire to express goodwill intact? Have you done something for someone who cannot repay you recently?
8.    Have a plan of how you will model and teach goodwill over gloom to your children.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH TRAPS

There is a lot of bait out there to lure us into the trap of self-doubt, or self-debasing. We seem to fall for it over and over again, until pain or problems point it out.

What baits you into feeling “less than,” or “lacking?”

At some point along the way, you have likely had thoughts and feels of self-doubt in one of these four areas, or all of them. I don’t want to be a negative nelly here, because I do believe there are wonderfully confident and capable women out there. But even those women, if openly vulnerable, would confess to working through these 4 traps of, “not enough.”

What words would you use to describe those feelings that nip at your confidence?

Not Enough: skimpy, insufficient, damaged, incomplete, second string, lacking, unassembled, weak, faulty, undone, lacking, unsure, scattered etc.

Why is it that we so easily gravitate to negatives about ourselves over positives? Or truth over lies?

I was working with a young man a couple weeks ago that was feeling very uncomfortable with people in public looking at him. He found this increased after he got new glasses. He thought they though his new glasses looked "ugly." I inquired, did you ever consider that they may actually like your new funky glasses?! .....No

“Negative self-perceptions repeated overtime will brand themselves into our minds and eventually become reality.” ~ Sharon Jaynes

What is your brand?

What have you branded yourself with that is etched into your inner life that holds back your outer life? Need a re-brand?

Time to get wise to the bait, the trap and the lies.

The BIG four areas we can feel “not enough” are our ability, body, identity, and relationships.

1)    ABILITY – what we can do is not enough

Self-doubt can override our true giftedness. Instead of using and growing in our gifts, skills, interests we say – “I could never do that.” I can’t. I’m only ___________. I can’t do that job, help that person, make that money etc. There are more voices telling us we can’t, than we can, so we often settle for can’t. Time to take the “T” off of can’t.

2)    BODY – how we look is not enough

I hate the way I ___________. I wish I could change this _______ part of my body. If only I were 20 lbs lighter. Why do I have cellulite? The Kellogg’s commercial tells us that 97% of women, “have an I hate by body moment” every day. Well ladies, that is likely true, and so sad. I love how they challenge us to “proudly own it all.” Yes!

3)    IDENTITY – who we are inside is not enough

Your self-concept can be made-up of restrictive labels. Maybe we live out what someone else has labeled us through criticism, abuse, or bullying. Maybe we have allowed fear to dictate our self-image. Somehow, we can feel like we are the “wrong kind” of person.

4)    RELATIONSHIPS – how we share ourselves is not enough

We feel like we don’t give enough as mom, friend, or wife, etc. In this area we can see all four at play: The feeling that “I will be loved only if I am _____.”Then I change my body to be more like this, my identity to be more like that, so that I can be love by___________.

Why?

There are many reasons girls and women become prey for these four traps. A cocktail of childhood, upbringing, culture, trauma, rejection, stress, media, stereotypes, and so on. Often our messages we absorb from parents, teachers and peers when we are young can wound us unintentionally, or intentionally leaving us with feelings of inadequacy. We can then become shy, avoidant, dismissive or overcompensate for our inner beauty and skill sets.

We can withdraw, or over engage in performance and perfectionism traps to prove that we are enough. Both are unhealthy spectrums of behavior.

Reclaiming identity, first comes by identifying. Identifying where the warp is.

Lets get real . . .

We all have weaknesses, right?
We all have strengths, right?
We all are unique, right?

Why not identify all of those areas and be real about it - but not allow yourself to get raw about it.

Instead of allowing a true area of weakness or a perceived (not actual) area of weakness become your undoing - just being real and employ self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-love!

The areas you are actually not enough:
1) Lean on your tribe and village - lean on love and loved ones
2) Figure out if there is growth possible | needed - learn how to build your skill or self-esteem
3) Allow God to be enough where you are not - pray, trust, seek, receive comfort and peace

In the areas you are enough - but irraitonal thoughts and feelings are taking over:
1) Identify thought traps - become self-aware, it is the start to disempowering your inner bully
2) Challenge those thoughts with evidence - take an objective | rational look at toxic thoughts
3) Utilize trust friend, mentor, counsellor - uproot a core belief of inadequacy

Proverbs 23:7 says, they way you think about yourself, is the way you are or become.

We need to reclaim our God image and see how God sees. His love will light up our lives every time! His truth will lighten our dark spots in our minds and hallways of our hearts. Just try seeing yourself through the eyes of the one who created us - and said we were very good.

Robert MaGee says in his books, Search for Significance:

“One of the biggest steps we can take forward in constantly glorifying God and walking in peace and joy with our heavenly father is to recognize the deceit that held us captive, Satan’s lies distort our real perspective warp our thoughts and produce painful emotions. If we cannot identify those lies, then it is very likely we will continue to be defeated by them.”

Why are you good enough?

Even when we feel weak, even when we are unsure, and even when we are a hot mess - we are enough. Here's why. . .

There are a lot of ways we could look at worth. But let me go big picture value.

Forever speaks value: the truth is we are good enough because of the one who created us said we are VERY GOOD (Genesis 1:31). God loves us, we are made in His image/likeness, and as a believer, His Holy Spirit lives in you. God who is good occupies you! The more our hearts and attitudes align with His - the greater sense of worth we have.

The designer gave us immense value – in fact eternal value. He offers us abundant life (John 10:10) that is not just for now, but forever. So we are never tossed away, we never expire, we never are used up, we never cease to be God’s precious daughter. He created us to be loved, and He committed all of His love to us on a forever scale. FOREVER loves speaks of the highest value.

From the start to the never ending story of our lives . . . He's willing to fill us up with what we need to be enough.

"My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

When we feel like we are not enough or have had enough, God says - daughter, I am enough for all your worries, doubts, fears, and feelings of lack.

I AM enough and I made you enough - together we are unstoppable.

Its the divine partnership of father and daughter that makes us enough. He created us and called us good, and He adds His goodness to our hearts daily if we invite Him in to each moment.

Shaking off feelings of “not enough:”

1)    Recognize – lies
2)    Replace – with truth
3)    Resist - traps
4)    Rinse - emotions
5)    Renew - mind
6)    Reclaim – confidence
7)    Refresh – dreams
8)    Risk - rejection
9)    Repeat

If you know the truth, the truth will set you free. John 8:32

Time to get wise to the bait, the trap and the lies. Let your BRAND be your TRUE U.

Have you been crab fishing lately? No, me either. Ha ha. But those little critters teach us a valuable lesson in life. Did you know that if you happen to catch a bucket of crabs you do not have fear their escape or put a lid on the bucket?

If you put one crab in a bucket, it will climb out. But if you put 2+ crabs in the bucket, when one of the crabs tries to climb out, the other will pull it back in. Neither will ever escape. It doesn’t matter that it’s possible to escape, the crabs will hold each other back from doing so. Each time a crab makes an attempt to get free, another one claws him back into the bucket.

Crabology 101 states, “If I can’t be free, neither can you.”

A while back I showed up at an event I was speaking at. People were gathering as they waited for the event to start. I could hear a little conversation around the corner. There was a person who seemed really pumped to tell people they “knew” me. That buddy buddy talk shifted quickly and turned to covert slights towards me while pumping up how great they were. I thought – no! Don’t do it – don’t crab bucket both of us! We’ll both get stuck in there!

We’ve either been there, or been there. We have been crab bucketed or we have crab bucketed.

This is a tendency we can easily adopt.

We can have a bucket list. This list is different than that one with exciting experiences we’d like to have before we die. It’s the list of people that are living life around us that press an insecurity or inadequacy button that automatically activates a spring loaded claw! That claw grabs at other people’s freedom, success, confidence, character or career.

The spring loaded claw reaches for someone we perceive is getting ahead, living with more joy or freedom, who is achieving some sort of success and so on. The root is covetousness (desiring something that is not ours) and emotional promiscuity (jealousy, a wandering heart, not being faithful to God’s intentions for our own lives).

We need a way to deactivate this spring loaded claw.

Questions we can ask ourselves:

Who is on our bucket list? Who is in our buckets? Is there another person who we claw at either with actual words, or in the hallways of our hearts?

I think we should actually write down our bucket list. Then go through each person, and ask ourselves, what insecurity/inadequacy/jealous button do I allow to be pressed in myself – activating that spring loaded CLAW? Why do I find it hard to celebrate that person? Why do I feel devalued if I celebrate them?

That is some good ongoing reflection for us all.

The first step after reflection:
Hi, my name is __________________ and I have a claw and a bucket.

The second step:
Put down the claw, and step away from the bucket.

Then put the claw down, and pray for those people. Speak well words about those people. Accept your own value and worth as an individual. Celebrate your gifts at the same time as those on your bucket list.

Allow those in your bucket to escape the grip your heart has on them. After you let all the people out of the grip of your crab claw, here’s the good news: you can now get out of the bucket too!! Remember, one crab on their own can get out of the bucket. But together in the bucket, they are too busy concentrating on keeping others from their freedom.

Make your bucket list, and set them free.

As you free others from that crab bucket tendency of the heart – you will then free yourself.

Its amazing how you will find peace, confidence and a new freedom when you escape the crab bucket effect.

Romans 12: 9-19 (MSG) says some pretty great truths for us in this process.

9-10 Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. 11-13 Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. 14-16 Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody. 17-19 Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”

Don't be a carbon copy, celebrate uniquely you, and other's uniqueness.

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